Daily Sustenance

Combine a bag of frozen boneless skinless chicken with plenty of garlic powder and onion powder in a crock pot. Cover with water, or green tea. Cook on low until the chicken falls apart.  Add a bag of prewashed kale, a can of Italian style stewed tomatoes, and a lot of Italian seasoning. Continue to cook on low until the aroma permeates your space, and the kale turns a soft vibrant green.

Happy Father's Day to every Father...

I want to share something I have learned over time about the men in my life in honor of Father's Day... I have much more to learn about life, and men, but much of what I have learned has been from the men I am lucky to call husband, daddy, grandpa, uncle, or even friend.  The men in my life don't speak as much as they listen,  if something is broken they are going to fix it or die trying,  you won't catch them crying over spilled milk because they're too busy wiping it up, they don't blame the world for their problems, they build their own world. The men in my life work with their hands, but don't let the grease and calluses fool you, they are intelligent and creative, they see things I would never think to consider. I've learned if I step back, and give them the space, they will amaze me every time. The men in my life have an unspoken code far older and more dignified then a bro code. They live by a code of morality and principals, they protect, support, and love their families fiercely, and know that being the head of a family is a life of both servant and king. They don't start fights, they finish them. They have strong opinions, and they will teach you about them not by words, but by actions and hard work. Happy father's day to my Daddy and my Bebu, my Gramps and my Daz, my brothers, my uncles, both Amador and Brito, and Happy Father's Day to every Father...

Observe

Suffocated by
the waves of monotony
Crashing down over me
The shadow stretches far beyond
the ever spreading reach of Imagination
I am enveloped
My breath escapes and
I reach out!
toward what I hope
is the shore
I fight!
Until the void smothers
my stifled scream and
the salty water rushes in
Crushing my heart
Saturating my mind
With the sting of salt
Purified
The stone where hunger
once lie now cold
Metallic and bitter
I sink
The surface ever further away
Moonlight filters down and
my eyes are wide open
I breathe and
Observe.

Right now...

Infused

Iron drips and slinks deep into my veins while
those around me suffer through intravenous poison...
I prefer mine orally...
Later I'll scrub, wash, cook, organize, and rear...
But now I sit, swaddled in a clinic...
Content.
Alone, as usual.
Apologies fall like hail, pelting my dignity as I feign detachment from those who care not...
The pages of my book flutter along as I devour the world I've never seen beyond the bind...
Off tune 90's radio lilting through my mind...
Mouths move around me, eyes caught, awkward smiles and avoidance...
What's so funny?
Don't worry about it...
I'll tell you later...
Always put the greater good first,
Who decides what is good and
When is it my turn...
I'm selfish, self centered, and guilt ridden by self derision...
Filthy, crumbling, decaying tiles pave every beautiful room I leave...
Mumbling doctors and exhausted nurses the only witnesses to my purgatory...
Carve a smile on my tired face
Paint on beauty
Washes down the drain with...
Clumps of hair and...
Chunks of mascara and...
Memories that serve only to distract.

Acceptance and Closure

For the last 5 years of my short life the third weekend of October has meant just one thing to me, serving as Team Captain of the NF Endurance Team at the Long Beach Int'l Marathon. If you are a long time friend, you may be surprised to read those words without them being highlighted in yellow and followed by a seemingly preposterous amount of exclamation points. You have probably just now realized you haven't recieved any emails or social media alerts from me encouraging you to join us, to get off the couch and on the course, or to consider monetarily supporting the Children's Tumor Foundation in quite some time. I have recieved numerous emails from team mates and supporters asking for this year's plan. I kept saving the emails into a folder to respond to once I had a better answer, but no answer ever formed... The truth is, I simply do not have the energy and stamina to participate in an endurance event anymore... I have not deluded myself into believing anyone was waiting with bated breath for me to finally address this issue, but I feel the need to specifically respond as a form of self-acceptance... The fact is people with NF get sick. We get really fucking sick. We don't fundraise for kicks, we are terrified to be the next person on the NF Memorial page. It is why we see so many NF Moms doing the leg work, literally, because a lot of us just can't run. I have been upset about not being able to participate in the NF Endurance Team for quite a while now, and enough is enough. My life is filled with joy and beauty, and so rather then lament my inability to continue on one path, I am saying a fond farewell and finding another. To every single one of you who have donated in my or JT's name, shown up to cheer, run or walk for us, been a teammate, a friend, a supporter... Thank you. Being a part of this team has been the motivation I needed at some of my darkest moments. When I felt helpless, it gave me an avenue to fight for myself and my son. I loved every second of it, and this Sunday when the Long Beach Marathon happens without me there in bright yellow for the first time in 6 years, I will try to simply be happy for the memories in my heart. To each of you who contacted me and went unanswered, I apologize. I am still here, and will continue to be a part of the search for a cure in any way I can for as long as I can, just not through running. To those of you still on the course, run strong friends, be grateful for every step you can take, and NEVER GIVE UP.

Happy Mother's Day to Every Woman

I am confident in myself in large part because I am blessed to have been shaped by several amazing women over my short 30 years. I love each of them for what all women are: Creators, lovers, whimsical, mysterious, vulnerable, strong and beautiful. Mother's Day is for every woman who has ever born pain with a smile, bent down to help another woman's child, cooked for so many people she ran out of dishes, stayed up late enough for the kids to finally pass out so she could steal hushed kisses from their Father, or simply kissed him right in front of them because her greatest hope is for her children to know how to love as fully as she does. I have an abundance of amazing women in my life such as these, and to every woman who chooses to take on the role of Mommy... Happy Mother's Day.