Its in the Past

One year ago today is in the past. One year ago I ran a half marathon at Surf City in 2:05. I vividly remember the course, counting the miles down as I ran my heart out in my bright yellow singlet. I weighed more but felt stronger. My legs carried me without protest, they were trained to complete that race. Hours of time running in circles and praying toward the horizon had prepared me for each mile. People passed me, but I owned it, they flew by and were gone to run their own race. The pain, the happiness, the freedom of flying along by my own will. The views of that expansive blue we call an ocean. Sea air filling my lungs and a crisp breeze propelling me forward, then slipping out as I gasped for the next breath. The creeping pain building under my rib cage as I burned through more and more of my stamina. I knew I was running on empty, but soon the finish line loomed ahead, and I surged forward.

Running what I could never know would be my last race.

One year ago today is in the past, and all I can do is look forward. Surge ahead in a new race. Forge a new future without succumbing to the immense sense of loss I feel for that course. For every course.

Sleep & Run

If I could describe the last month in one word it would be, "Sleep." I fall asleep early, wake up and hustle the kids to school, then fall back asleep until it is time to pick them up. I grab them back from school and try to catch up on the insidious pile of laundry tumbling out of the hamper, do a round of dishes, wipe the bathroom down and rearrange some pillows. Then I lie down exhausted and try to answer homework questions from my Hello Kitty cave before throwing together a dinner. Every day I feel a little better. Every doctor's visit I get news, some good, some bad. Nothing tragic and nothing life changing. Sometimes when I am at the store and JT is helping me find what I need I stop and look around and for the millionth time I wonder what it would be like to be them. The same answer generally bounces back at me, and it says I wouldn't want to be. I like myself, oddly enough I love my life. Besides if I wasn't me I wouldn't have the family I have, and I don't know anyone with a family I would rather have. That may be the irrationality of human nature speaking, but I am comfortable with that.

In fact I am generally very comfortable lately. People have disappeared, as I knew they would, and I just can't muster the empathy to care. I've had the same best friends for a very long time and they aren't going anywhere. My family has proven themselves, not that they needed to, but time and again they do so anyway. I am surrounded by people I trust and love. People who handle everything because they want me to just rest so I can get better. What more can a girl ask for? Probably a lot of things, but no matter what you get there is always something else to want, so I choose to just be happy as I am.

I was definitely happy last weekend at the Long Beach Marathon with the NF Endurance Team!! My fave weekend of the year (right up there with Christmas, don't judge, I love fudge and presents.) So our entire team kicked butt. JT did the kids' run with Haley, and smashed the mile in 9mn! Paul's little brother Thomas kicked the 5K's ass, I mean he is like 14 and finished in 21:30. I wanted to adopt him and train him I swear. Uncle Franky and I stuck together for the 5K, for my safety and his motivation. I yelled at him the entire last quarter mile, then we ran into Sarah Johnson, and I grabbed JT from the cheerleaders, and we all ran in as well as we could for a big finish. It felt wonderful and I was proud of everyone involved!

Now its back to life as usual, whatever that may be for me, it works.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging...

My momentum has been cruising forward all week. I joined LA Fitness on Tuesday and ran a treadmill 5K in 23:53 the same morning. That night I came back with Valerie and we did Pilates, that class is no joke! Wednesday I went in with Sheila and then Thursday I ran 4 miles before sitting down for a personal fitness assessment. Apparently I need to drop fat and gain muscle if I want to hit my goals, so now I get to learn the correct way to do so. I've been on a fitness high all week, faithfully chugging my protein shakes, eating my fresh produce, and shunning all animal products possible. You may ask if I have a point... I do... I am proud of myself! Just this Monday I teetered on the edge of a downward spiral, but by sheer determination I turned it around, go me!

That is all. Carry on.

From Cupcakes to Bikinis

I should say that taking a 2 week break to do nothing but sleep, eat cupcakes and cuddle was a bad idea. In actuality it was genius, and definitely a great use of my time. Tomorrow reality comes crashing back in the form of Monday and I am ill-prepared to say the least. I didn't bother to get the kids back on schedule a couple of nights ahead of time, or to detox them from all the junk they have consumed. I am going to show up at their schools tomorrow and drop them off exhausted and filled with remnants of 2 weeks of cupcake sugar, then me and my pot belly will be escaping to the gym for some punishment. I have only worked out twice this entire time, and haven't even been doing my daily yoga. I look like a puffalump and if one more person asks me if I am pregnant I am going to tell them no I just went to the schmashmortion clinic but thanks for asking.I know all the cool moms are doing Insanity right now, but I am not good at following through with home routines. I have to get out of the house and once I escape you have to drag me back, so I will typically work out for up to 3 hours 3 times a week. I am still learning how to best use

that time, and becoming more efficient as I devour issues of Men's Health. Keep in mind this routine is the foundation, but I constantly change little things to avoid a plateau, keep my muscles guessing, and avoid burn out. Also, remember to always maintain proper posture, keep your belly button drawn close to your spine, and do every move from your core. Here is the current version, and it is rocking for me in a hurts when I sneeze kinda way.

Warm Up: Treadmill 5K in under 25mn

Weights: all supersets = Do every move 10 times, repeat that section 3 times without stopping.

Rest only after all 3 sets of 10 are complete before moving to next station. Please wipe your

sweat off the machine!

A. Medicine Ball sit ups on Bosu Ball

B. Go from laying flat to touching feet while holding pilates band

C. Lay in a pilates V shape and pulse hands near sides 100 times.

A. Chest Press on weight bench

B. Scoot to bottom of weight bench so lower body hangs off and do 10 of each: leg lifts, leg curls, bicycles, scissors, point toes high and flex feet up and down, lower into plank and pulse...

A. Incline Squats

B. Pulse 30 times on squat machine

C. Alternating lunges

A. Set resistance weight machine to a height right above your head, use rope attachment, face machine and holding posture grab rope and slowly lower to upper thighs, and slowly return to start.

B. Pulse 20 times near middle of move.

C. Roman Chair leg lifts, slowly

(how you feeling!?)

A. Free weight bicep curls

B. Tricep dips off edge of bench

C. Stretch upper back with resistance band

Ta Da! Part 2 is done... now...

Cardio! Cross Trainer for 1 hour (I am only up to 45mn) Start out at a comfortable setting (6)and move quickly for 2 minutes, once warmed up increase setting super high (13) and keep moving. You should feel like you are running uphill with bricks on your feet! "Run" for 3 mn, go back to first setting. Repeat this 2mn/3mn pattern for the entire workout. 2 "walk" 3 "run." Make sure you have a towel and water!

Stretch Now move to a mat for some yoga! 5 sun salutes, then stretch legs every way, then

back to sun salute but slowly, stretching deeply in each pose for at least 3 to 5 deep breaths.

When you come to stand up, exhale, lean down to touch your toes, as you slowly roll yourself back up inhale deeply and guide energy through your entire body. As your hands pass your head reach up and out, exhale, releasing all of the strain out to the universe and feel it dissolve. Continue this move as many times as you need to feel really cleansed and finally end in...

Namaste and thank God for the ability to work out like you just did!

Well that is what I do at the gym right now, putting it down motivates me to stick to it, and

maybe one of you will draw some sort of inspiration from it. Either way, if I actually stopped taking cupcake breaks and did this 3x a week for even 3 months I would be ripped! I am tired of

"woulda" and "coulda" so tomorrow it is on like Donkey Kong. I think that freakish heat wave earlier this week was the universe's way of reminding me it is almost summer and time to shed the winter layer! I don't want thinspiration, I want fitspiration!

Bring It On

This past weekend was the annual Surf City Marathon in beautiful Huntington Beach, and as most of you know I had been training for 2 months to break 2 hours in the half-marathon. Over the last couple of weeks I had several set backs, all tumor related and absolutely annoying. A spine tumor made it difficult for me to breath, and when I ran at the speed necessary to reach my goal time my ribs would cramp under painfully until I was forced to stumble to a stop on the side of the road, clutching my side and sucking in air. I realized breaking 2 hours may not be possible right now, but I had to at least do my best. Surf City is not an official NF Endurance Team event, but several of my friends on the team have formed the unofficial NFET California Dreamin' Team and that was all of the motivation I needed to put on my running shoes and paint that course yellow!

Paul and I left the kids with a friend and showed up in Huntington Beach for the expo Saturday. We met up with friends, grabbed our bibs and timing chips, and escaped for a margarita at Fred's Cantina. Later that night my friend John was awesome enough to host a dinner at his home, 8 of us crowded around his table for pasta and stories. As usual our collective health statuses left much to be desired, but morale was high and the wine flowed freely. By the time we all hugged good night I couldn't wait for race morning.

Paul, John and I actually went to the Santa Ana Artwalk for a bit after dinner to visit a gallery showing the work of my friend Tyoni who does my tattoos. Totally random bit of information, but it was fun and her art is beautiful. I just wanted to rip it off the wall and transfer it to my skin. After dropping John back off at home, Paul and I crashed his friend Fred's couch and caught a bit of sleep.

Before we knew it it was 6am, and I popped right off that couch ready to attack the course! I yanked on my Bad Ass running socks, comfy purple running shoes, my fave black running shorts, my Nike Sports band, my new running hat that says "Some girls chase boys, I pass them," a ton of Glide, and finally my bright yellow NF Endurance Team singlet. I cleaned up and smeared on sunblock, by 6:10 I told Paul I was ready to rock! We drove down to the parking lot and caught a shuttle right to the race. 20,000 people milled about, some stretching, others doing quick sprints to warm up. I shook my legs out and took a deep breath. Suddenly Paul noticed people moving and told me I better get running. I planted a big sloppy kiss right on his mouth, and took off running toward the start line.

Most of these major race events line everyone up in waves by declared goal finish time. I have done my time being in the back 2 or 3 waves, but not this race. As I jogged to my starting spot I passed thousands of runners crowding around pacing signs. 3:00, 2:45, 2:30... I stretched my neck and searched for the big 2:00 pacing group, but the line had already started moving and before I could get left behind I jumped in with the 2:04 pacing group. The leader was a young girl wearing a horrible blue plaid running skirt. As we crossed the start line I turned my sportsband on and set it to the chronograph. I breathed in deeply through my nose and forcefully out of my mouth and focused on the road ahead of me.

The first mile of a race is always interesting. There are always a few jerks who just refuse to stick to their wave group and walk right smack in the middle of the course, causing dangerous traffic for all of the people running at the correct pace. There are always people who go running by with the oddest running styles, one hand sticking straight out, feet dragging or even moving in circles in front of them like a cartoon character. As soon as you see them, they pass you and are gone. Surf City runs along PCH and the ocean breeze urged me on as I hit my stride. I felt a slight twitch in my ribs and went into denial mode, as I passed the 1 mile mark I noted 10 minutes had gone by already. I was 30 seconds behind my 9:30 pace, but the first mile is always a warm up so I was not concerned. As I set into a rhythm my rib cage flummoxed against my skin and I instinctively reached to hold the pain. I quickly realized that if I shoved 2 fingers right into the cramp and breathed deeply, the pain would recede until I could breathe normally again. Armed with this new tactic I picked up the pace, and every 2 or 3 minutes as the stitch came back I would roughly press it in with my fingers. Somehow I had become one of those crazy people running along with an elbow sticking out randomly. I could have cared less, as I neared the 2 mile mark a glance at my sportsband showed 19:30. I had run the second mile on pace and was feeling fabulous. I tried to relax and enjoy the scenery, forcing my mind to zone out rather then counting steps. At mile 3 the course took a sharp turn to the right as I knew it would, and until halfway through mile 5 it was all uphill. I love hills, I settled into a steady type of march and pushed onward. I thought back to the previous year when I had walked the half with my friend Giselle, I wasn't worried about my finishing time and knew it would be fun to complete the course together. I wished for a moment she was there again for the company, but knew that this year I had to run my own race. Suddenly the hill ended and I found myself at the top of a neighborhood looking out over a small inlet of water covered in a thick fog. It was beautiful, and as I turned downhill again I let myself fall forward with the incline, picking up my pace as the hill descended until I had again reached PCH and the course turned back to it's original direction. I was at mile 6 and almost at the one hour mark. I was about halfway there and starting to tire. I took my first drink of the race at the 6.5 mile hydration station, curving the little paper cup to my lips and sipping it down as it splashed all over me. I tossed the cup toward the massive pile of discarded cups and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, all without breaking stride. I spotted the 2:04 pacing team again and fell in line with them. Every time I tried to pass them they ended up passing me again, until finally I resigned myself to their rhythm and fell in line. Its hard to describe miles 8-12 of a half marathon to anyone who has never done an endurance event. My adrenaline wore off, the caffeine ran out, and as excited as I was to run this race I was ready for it to be over. Instead of slowing down as my body wanted to, I knew I had to maintain or increase my pace for 5 or 6 more miles. At this point I started a meditative kind of thought process, urging myself forward and ignoring the pain that had settled over my entire body. Dull pain was expectable, and I welcomed it, knowing that pain is weakness leaving the body. Right around mile 10 the pain went from dull to sharp in 3 seconds flat. My left foot started to cramp and slowly curl in under itself. I tried to keep running for about 2 steps before I stumbled to the side and jammed my foot against a curb trying to force it to flatten back out from the painful ball it had hunched into. Within seconds I was loping along, trying to relax my foot and keep all of the tension in my core. I snatched the energy gel from my hydration belt... which is really the same thing as a fanny pack... I ripped the top off the package and squeezed the goo into my mouth, willing the electrolytes and potassium to relieve the cramp. I successfully ran another sub-10 minute mile and realized I was almost at the finish! At mile 12 my foot cramped horribly again, I again tried to ignore it but it curled under. I came to a halt on the curb, cursing like a sailor and shaking out my foot. I looked longingly down the course at the finish line, I couldn't make it out through all the fog but it still taunted me. I took a deep breath and just ran. I saw the pacing group and ran right past them. I couldn't even look at my time, I was too busy willing my feet to bounce off the road as hard as possible, propelling me forward against all probability. I was moving maybe around 9 minutes a mile but in my heart I was flying down that course. As the final stretch loomed into view spectators crowded the sidelines. Girls in hoola skirts waved signs that read "Nice Legs" and "You have stamina, CALL ME!" Children sat on their father's shoulders holding signs that said "RUN MOMMY RUN!" They all blurred into a line of color rushing past on either side as the big Finish Line banner came into view above my head and with a smashing step over the finish line I jammed my thumb into the stop button on my sportsband and looked down. 2:06. I sucked in air and accepted a medal and banana from volunteers. I stopped for the first time in over 2 hours and stretched deeply. For some reason I thought of the movie Bring It On. A National Championship team of cheerleaders goes back to defend their title, but a better team wins and after all of their hard work they earn 2nd place. As they accept their trophy they look at each other and say "Second place?" and with a smile they erupt in cheers and scream BRING IT ON! Bring it on, indeed.

I fought my way out of the finisher's holding pen and found Paul, I gave him a big sweaty hug and just pointed toward the beach. I ripped off my running shoes and hobbled barefoot toward the ocean. I walked right in and let the ice cold water numb my swollen feet before realizing just how cold it was and rushing back out. I ran back to give Paul a kiss then ran toward the surf again, this time letting the water reach above my knees and rush all around me. I took in the horizon and slowly withdrew from the waves. I stretched on the beach, not caring that wet sand stuck allover my skin. I went through my entire yoga routine right there, on the sand, with the water snaking up to my fingers as it reached out for me.

Finally I got cleaned up, and we found our way back to the team. We waited for everyone to finish and then said our good-byes. As always, when it comes down to the important moments in my life only Paul was left. We held hands tightly and headed for the shuttle. No matter how far I run, I always end up back at home.

Race Standards

Surf City is just 2 weeks away, and I find myself measuring everything by race standards. Two weeks is really 2 more long distance runs. Food is seen as fuel and water as hydration. Everyone I hang out with drinks beer and I politely decline each offer, even when I rest my mind's eye is focused on my goal.

The first time I ran a half marathon I finished in I believe 2:35. I was happy with that time, because your first race is always a PR! After a few more mediocre attempts and a year of sluggish training runs I logged a 2:18 at San Francisco. I will never forget the feeling of running across the Golden Gate bridge and realizing I was flying. The hills of San Francisco fought hard, but that day I won. I have steadily improved since then, taking time off as necessary for life, but last month when I ran in Las Vegas and clocked 2:05 I knew a sub-2 hour half was within my reach.

Last week I finished my 10 mile training run in 94 minutes, just 4 minutes shy of the pace I would need to sustain to reach my goal. When I set out this morning for another 10 miler I had only one goal in mind, to improve on last week's time. I knew I may not hit 90mn exactly, but as long as there was forward momentum I would be satisfied. I started out strong, clipping miles at exactly 9:00 and 18:00, but by mile 3 my old friend Side Stitch decided to tag along for the ride. I tried to fix my posture, my breathing, my form... but every time I sped up to the necessary 9mn per mile pace my side cramped until I was forced to slow down and wait for it to subside. At mile 3 my stopwatch was already past the 30mn mark, and I knew I was in for a long 10 miles. I always chant to myself as I run. Usually I say "Pain is weakness leaving the body," or if someone passes me I say "Run your own race." By mile 7 I was telling myself "Just do your best," and praying I would at least be able to hit a 10mn per mile pace. On the shaded parts of the trail I would begin to perk up, but that mid morning hot sun was stalking me and I found myself dragging across a blistering half mile stretch of heat. I finally reached the end of the run in 1:45 and trudged back to my van unsure of if I was capable of breaking 2 hours at Surf City in just 2 short weeks.

I wonder why I even do this to myself? The last 4 miles of that run were incredibly miserable, and my back is in a series of knots and pain that are only going to stiffen by morning. I could stop, quit, give up and give in. How different would life really be? Then I remember that feeling on the Golden Gate bridge, I remember looking at my watch in Vegas and realizing I had clipped my PR by 13 minutes, I remember when I "ran" the full marathon in Las Vegas and saw all of my family screaming for me at the finish, and my kids running on their little legs with huge smiles, ready to cross the finish line with me. I remember all the friends I have made on the NF Endurance Team, the pasta dinners, the expos, the photos and the medals. I remember every race morning, the anticipation while the Star Spangled Banner played, barefoot men covering their hearts next to war vets running in camo and soccer Moms in tutus. All of the amazing people I have seen on the course, people getting married while running in Las Vegas, an 80 year old man passing me in Long Beach, the Pacific ocean in Surf City. I remember every finish line, how it seemed so unattainable, but the harder I worked the closer it got. All of those final stretches, no matter how tired I was or how long I had been limping, at every race I reached down deep into my gut and ran like I stole something for a big finish. At every finish there was a smile on my face so big my cheeks hurt because no matter how many thousands of people had crossed over before me, I had won my own race. I had done my best and never given up.

I never will give up, I'll run until I can't run anymore, and nobody can stop me. Not a cramp, not a stop watch, not the heat, and not the back pain. For all of my chanting there is only one that really matters, "Never Give Up."

Prepared

There are four weeks left until I hit the half-marathon at Surf City for the 3rd year in a row! The NF Endurance Team does not participate in this event officially, but we will still have several mavericks running strong in their yellow singlets, including me of course! I have spent the last 2 weeks lounging with my kids, eating with my family, and running 5K distances on the treadmill. After finishing the Las Vegas half marathon in 2:05 in early December I assumed this all would be adequate to keep my fitness level strong enough to hit the ground running this week in preparation for Surf City.

I set out this morning on a 10 miler with a goal of finishing in exactly 1:30 at a 9mn a mile pace. I stepped outside the door and the cold air smacked me right in the face. I shrugged it off, assuming that I would warm up as I acclimated but by the time I dropped both kids off at their respective schools the chill had settled deep into my bones. There was no friggin' way I was going to run 10 miles with my breath frozen in my lungs! I headed straight for the gym, resigned to my fate of slogging out a tedious 10 miles on the dreaded treadmill. I cheered up when I realized I would be able to manage my pace more efficiently and even had lofty ideas of running an entire 13.1 miles as I watched Regis and Kelly on the big screen. I calculated in my head that if I want to run 13.1 miles in 2 hours, I need to run 6.55 miles in 1 hour, and cranked the treadmill up to a 6.6 mph pace. By the end of the first mile I was sweating, and at the end of the second I was already focusing on breathing correctly instead of hyperventilating. I took a water break at 30 minutes and accepted that I would have to scale back if I did not want to risk an injury. I ran another 30 minute increment, varying the pace in an attempt to squeeze in a bit more distance, and finally finished in exactly 1 hour at the 6.55 mark. I gasped for air and almost lost the bit of pineapple bread I had eaten just 90 minutes earlier. That seemed like a lifetime away as I held onto the bar of the machine and waited for my head to stop swimming. I finally cooled down, then trotted upstairs for some punishment. Not completing my goal mileage at race pace was a smart decision, I remember my knee injury all too well and do not want to repeat history. I still hate the fact that I fell short of a goal. I went over all of this in my mind as I went through my entire weight routine and cranked out extra leg-lifts. I did my best for today and left it all on the treadmill, all I can do is respect the distance and keep on running. If I add 15mn each week of January to the run I completed today, I still have a chance of breaking 2 hours in Surf City. No excuses, no whining, no tears.

Issues

There are two issues I really need to deal with on this blog right now: Nutrition and Fitness. The two have been working against each other for me lately. I run, I'm hungry and I eat. Or, I starve, I'm tired, I skip workouts. Neither is a healthy way to exist, and I have been floating back and forth between the them every few weeks. I need to find a way to nourish myself and stay active at the same time, and balance those needs within the context of the rest of my life without them taking over. I drive everyone around me insane, constantly overwhelming myself with miles, weights, calories or carbs. I remember telling my Dad (an admitted work-a-holic) that he should "work to live, not live to work." Seems I need to start taking my own advice.

Nutrition: I love to eat. I mean I know most living creatures do, but allow me this moment of self-absorbency and assume I really do love to eat more than the average person. Carbs are my secret lover, I eat them at every meal, and lately a lot of them. Unfortunately I am apple shaped by nature. I have girlfriends who are naturally pear shaped and hate it, but I always point out you never hear a man complain his wife's butt is too big! I am ridiculously skinny everywhere, but my stomach. Everything I eat goes right there. Every time I eat I am either under-eating and starving myself, or overeating and gorging. I know something has to change, and I think after years of struggling with my food issues I have improved to a point where I can listen to my body and respond to it's needs. As a vegetarian, I wont eat meat and that is not going to change. I also wont drink milk or eat cheese (awww, cheeeeeeese.) I have decided that for my own personal sanity, and waistline, I am going to eat eggs. Not even free-range ones (free-range is just an overpriced label the egg industry created to allow consumers to pretend they aren't supporting factory farming.) Egg whites, those mysterious little cartons above the eggs, are my friend. Low in calories and carbs, high in protein, and oh so tasty. Anyone who is vegan would shake their head in shame. Egg laying chickens are the worst treated animals in the factory farm business. I can't even go into it, and if you don't know about it yet don't ask. TRUST ME. Anyway, I can replace at least 1 carb a day with egg whites, and another with greens, and I feel my nutrition needs will be met with minimal animal consumption and maximum satisfaction. No calorie counting necessary!

Fitness: Today I hit the gym, and when I left I could feel the burn in every major part of my body. Every step I take feels strong, and my abs contract every time I bend to put a dish in the dishwasher. I love that feeling, so why is it so difficult for me to maintain a fitness routine for longer than 2 weeks without taking days off? There is not much to consider when it comes to this, I need to just stop quitting. Every Monday, Wednesday & Friday morning I need to be running then at the gym. If I absolutely have to miss a day because life gets in the way, then I work out the following day and pick back up where I left off. I love Nike, not only because of the Nike+ sports band, but because of their long-time motto: Just Do It. So cheesy (mmm, cheeeese) but so true!

By posting these decisions in my blog I have committed myself to them, and although I know nobody really cares, I still feel the need to meet the goals I set and am therefore more motivated to do so. My body fat percentage was 27% just 6 months ago, and through determination and sweat it is down to 17%! I have just 7 more percentage points to go, and nothing is going to stop me.

NF Endurance Team at Long Beach 2010!

This weekend the NF Endurance Team hit the Long Beach Marathon and painted that course yellow! Paul and I got into town Friday and met up with my fellow Team Captain John Sullivan as well as CTF staff member Joe Gunn just in time to get our booth set up at the expo. My parents kept the kids most of the weekend, and the rest of us focused on staffing our expo booth and representing the NFET.

Saturday night we finally packed it in and headed to the team pasta dinner. We had a great turnout and everyone had a chance to share their NF stories. When it was my turn I was a bit verklempt. I usually talk about having lost 3 family members to NF2, all of the tumors and surgeries I have survived, my concern for the future of my son JT who has NF2, and wanting to stay alive to see both of my children grow up. This year as I stood up in front of the team I could see JT and Mica watching me expectantly. I wasn't sure what I should or shouldn't say in front of them. My mouth moved and a few things tumbled out, but I couldn't say what I was really thinking. That I have convinced myself that if I keep running I will somehow outrun NF2, but when it comes to my children it is harder to stay so positive. I cannot imagine JT actually having surgery, or Mica having another Mom in the 2nd half of her life as I have Tish. I couldn't say that I run because I don't know what else to do, and that deep inside I feel it will never be enough. That every time I set another goal I am really just building another distraction. That I am scared. That when I run with the NFET, just for a little while, I am not so afraid. I have hope.

We met so early the next morning it was still dark and crisp, but surprisingly comfortable outside. We had all bundled up, but once we met by the lagoon we shed our outer layers and the bright yellow singlets appeared. Cameras flashed, people stretched, I could barely keep up with all of my incoming texts trying to get everyone to the correct spot. The sun started to come up and our marathoners had to head to the start to begin their journeys. One of our marathoners is my friend Christy, her boyfriend Gabe has NF2 as well as several people in his family. Recently his sister was diagnosed with cancer in one of her NF2 tumors. It was a shock to everyone, and Christy shaved her head in support as Gabe's sister lost her hair. Christy was not a runner before hearing about the NFET, and most first time team members choose to walk a 5K (an accomplishment in itself!) Christy committed to running the full marathon for Gabe and his family, and we all hugged her tight before she jogged off to the starting line. A marathon is an individual effort, for all of the team camaraderie and support our marathoners had, when the horn went off they were on their own. Soon the half marathoners left as well, including our TC John who has NF1 and walks the entire way on his cane, shoulders back and head held high.

Soon only the 5k participants and support team were left on the field. We said our good byes and headed to the 5K starting line. Team Haley members Robert and Susi Cruz snapped pictures and warmed up. Valerie and Shaleyah are two of my closest girlfriends who came down to do the 5K just to support me! I had met my friend Diana through a local Mom's club, and she had left her babies at home to come run in yellow with us! When it came down to it, like everything else in my life, it was Paul and I left standing together. Nobody else sees me through things the way he does, or knows me better than I know myself. As the crowd started moving forward we shuffled next to each other, side by side in silent support. Right before the start line, which sets off a timing chip attached to each runner's shoe, my brand new Nike Sports Band decided to malfunction! I broke away and tried to fix it, but Paul was carried off in a sea of runners and I could only see spots of bright yellow floating away in the crowd. I shook out my legs, noted that my watch read 8:32, and stepped over the start line.

The route was dense with walkers blocking the path and runners darting side to side trying to break away from the pack. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, my heart rate already high from the excitement and adrenaline. Soon I came up on Paul's right side, I slapped him on the back and kept on running! I glanced back a moment later and saw him melt behind me into the crowd. This was it! After months of training I was on the course, and needed to run a 5K in under 25mn! Self doubt nagged at the edges of my mind, I kept imagining if I did not reach my goal, having to go back and get sympathetic pats on the back, and remarks about it being about the effort. My entire life I have been mediocre at everything, I am not uniquely talented in any way. I may not win the race, but I was going to reach my goal! I wove in and out of the walkers' paths, eyes focused straight ahead looking for any room to squeeze a few steps further. The path wound around but I did not take in any of the sights, all that existed was the pounding of my feet on the pavement pushing off beneath me, and my heavy breathing rasping in and out. I saw the 1 mile marker sign and noted it had already been 10 minutes. I was crushed. I was 2 minutes behind in just the first mile! There was no way to make up that much time in 2.1 more miles without killing myself. Then I remembered this was not a training run! I only had 15 minutes left, and I was going to give those 15 minutes everything I had. There was no room for doubt or negativity, it was time to push beyond my limitations and fly! My balance wobbled a bit and I ignored the fear of falling as I threw myself forward and let my heels hit my backside. The course had doubled over and I could see the elite runners passing back the other way, already almost done. Before I knew it I could see the 2nd mile marker! I immediately knew the first mile marker had been measured incorrectly, and by my watch I was exactly on pace, running under 8 minutes a mile. I could not believe my short, skinny legged, full of tumors, hunch backed self was clipping 8 minute miles! My stomach heaved, I thanked God I hadn't had the audacity to eat anything before this race and swallowed down the bile. My lungs burned, each breath searing through my chest as I tried to suck in air. The crowd had thinned out, the masses were behind me and those around me looked like me, regular people who could run! We weren't elite, we would never get an endorsement or VIP status from race officials, but we were just as proud, worked just as hard, and this was our moment! I turned a corner and saw yellow! Beautiful, bright, neon yellow, shining like bursts of the sun along the course! 2 tiny little bursts could only be my babies! There were my parents cheering like crazy people and taking pictures! I threw them a smile as I ran by, not even slowing for a high five, the finish line was in my sights. I thought I was running my fastest, but dredged up my last reserves and ran full speed over the finish line! I glanced down and my watch read 8:57! Exactly 25 minutes! Had it been under or over 25? I couldn't calculate, the edges of my mind were foggy and I realized I was hyperventilating just a bit. I took my medal and turned around to wait for Paul. 3 minutes later my breathing had already returned to normal and Paul came bounding over the finish line into my arms! With our medals hanging proudly around our necks we headed out to cheer on the rest of our team. As soon as I could get away on my own to the official race booth I looked my time up online... 24:36! I startled an entire crowd of people when I gave a little yelp and jump, and ran back to find my family with a huge smile on my face. I did it!!

I got back on the 5K course and found Valerie had already finished. I cheered on the rest of the 5K team and headed back to collapse at our finish tent. I saw my other 2 girlfriends Adria and Eileen had found our tent and were waiting with hugs and goodies! I rested for just a minute before heading back for the marathon course. I may have crossed the finish line, but we still had runners out there battling the half and full marathons. The course was blocked off and fenced around in a really confusing way, but Mica and I were able to see John cross the finish from behind the chain link fence. We yelled and cheered for him as loud as we could. He had finished all 13.1 miles, and it was obvious it hurt, but he just kept going and never gave up! I grabbed Paul and JT, we all 4 headed down to a good spot by the finish to wait for Christy with her family. That is when we finally found Master Kim's family! JT's taekwondo instructor and his friend Chris had signed up to run for the NFET this year, but we had been unable to find them all day. Now, just in time, we had found them! Chris had already finished and was recovering. Master Kim hurt his knee on the course and was gutting it out. Soon he came along, trying to run in obvious pain with a look of complete determination on his face, he crossed over the finish line and immediately took all the weight off his knee. Even with an injury, he never gave up, he had finished a full marathon!

Now the only one left was Christy, and we all waited expectantly for her. Gabe kept peering around the corner, worry edging his face every time a person in yellow turned out not to be her. Then, we saw her, with a smile on her face and still running strong, Christy came up the final distance and we all cheered wildly for her. She crossed the finish, and I knew that our team efforts were a success this year in Long Beach!

After a lot of hugs and packing up, we all said our good byes. My kids were passed out in the back before we could even hit the freeway, and even though I was exhausted, it was the best kind of exhaustion I've ever felt. Next up... VEGAS!!

Just 2 Weeks Until Long Beach 2010!!

Just 2 more weeks until the Long Beach Marathon! As most of you know I am serving as Team Captain of the NF Endurance Team in Long Beach, and attempting to break a 25 minute 5K on race day! I am ridiculously excited and anxious, I cannot wait to paint that course neon yellow in support of NF research!
With only 2 weeks to go I am still a bit far from my goal of raising $5000 for CTF. Please check out http://www.ctf.org/NF-Endurance/team-fundraising-dollars-at-work.html to see how CTF is investing this money. Every dollar truly does count, and our collective dollars are what make a difference. It is amazing what we can accomplish by working together. I know if we work hard enough we will see a cure for NF within my lifetime.
I want to thank all of you who have continued to support my fundraising efforts, and if you have not yet donated this year I hope you can take a moment to visit my fundraising page at: http://www.active.com/donate/nflongbeach2010/Olivia

If you are free on Sunday October 17th, come down to Long Beach to cheer on the Mighty NF Endurance Team! Contact me for more details if interested.

A Leader is a Dealer in Hope

I cannot believe this year is flying by so fast! Before you know it the Long Beach Marathon will be upon us on Oct 17th. This year I am once again serving as Team Captain for the Mighty NF Endurance Team! I just built my new fundraising page including a spiffy new photo collage for this year's event and wanted to share it with you all, its at...

http://www.active.com/donate/nflongbeach2010/Olivia

(You can always reach my fundraising page my clicking the collage on the left as well!)

I have had my heart broken too many times by this disorder. As you all know I have lost 3 family members, but I have also lost friends. Too many over the years to count. I often receive emails from all over the country, even the world, asking my advice as someone who has had this disorder in their family for so long. I do my best, and stay active in the community, knowing that these people I grow to love will most likely lose the battle much too young. Friends who are my age and just do not wake up one day. I am tired of waking up to find another friend has died, another friend has been told there is no more to be done for them, another friend cannot walk, or hear, and they live so far I cannot even be there to offer a hug. What I can do is tell their stories. By informing more people about NF2 we encourage more donations and raise more money for research. The best way I know how to do that is to run, and so I do the only thing I can.

I am setting a goal of raising $5000 this year. I know it sounds like a lot, but I truly believe if I put my mind to it I can achieve this goal. There are actual clinical trials for drugs that can potentially STOP TUMOR GROWTH going on right now! CTF is the largest private funder for NF research, so by running with them I feel I am doing the one thing I can to fight back. I have to do something, because doing nothing is just not an option anymore. I am asking all my friends and family to join me by donating any amount that you can. Every dollar counts, and together we make a strong team! Together we can actually make a difference and fight back!

Thank you so much to each of you who has taken the time to donate, volunteer, or just offer friendly support! Please feel free to share this link with as many people as you want, there is power in our numbers!

Til Monday...

One week blends into the next as I wait for the sun to realize its summer vacation. Gamma Knife recovery is a simple one, come home and wait for my head to not feel like its in a vise. Easy enough. The kids wander around the house aimlessly, sucking down countless popsicles and passing out for random nap times. All week I have rotated between couch surfing, leaving the house for small errands, and half heartedly cleaning up the messes Paul and the kids leave in piles for me to find. They have taken good care of me, Paul making me a drink while JT cleans up after Mica and Mica tries to tuck me in and bring the puppy to me for a kiss. Its been an oddly comforting time, and I've been able to settle into it and enjoy it while it lasts, knowing full well that come Monday, its back to kicking ass and taking names!

I've avoided eye contact with my Runner's World magazine, knowing if I flipped through it I'd want to lace up for just a quick jog. Instead I'm taking this entire week to do absolutely nothing! My headache has subsided almost completely as of today, yet still I've spent it in sweats reading and cuddling as time ticks by with no accomplishments to claim. My energy is building back up and just waiting to be released on my To Do list, so the sun better come up Monday morning because I have got things to do people! Summer means hot hilly runs, recruiting, fundraising and planning for Long Beach, extra ab reps, laps in the pool, and homeschooling the kids 3 times a week. But not today... today I make the list, and Monday I smash it.

Mo Fo the Brain Tumor

My blog has sat idly as I've run mile after mile on the treadmill and pounded out reps and sets until I've lost count on the gym weight machines. I've counted calories and stopped drinking beer completely. My reward? I've lost 2" on my waist and no longer have to hide my belly with a belt. It feels great. Having left NIH knowing I was stable, I've been running each mile with a smile on my face, thanking Goddess, and empowering each yoga pose with positive light. I've been at peace with so many things I have struggled with, and have been deeply happy.

Today I saw my neurologist, Dr. Duma, to bring him my MRI reports and CDs from my NIH trip. While visiting NIH I was never shown my MRIs, and was simply told I was "stable." I wanted to double check everything with a neurologist familiar with my case, and assumed it would be an easy visit.

See that big white spot? That really shouldn't be there. Its a tumor. Apparently NIH and myself have differing definitions of the word STABLE. I've named the tumor to make things easier, please meet Mo Fo. Mo Fo is not new, he has been there, and was discussed briefly at NIH. I was basically told it was not a threat at this time or anytime soon. In fact, I specifically remember being the one that brought Mo Fo up, and being told not to worry... for now. At 1.3 cm Mo Fo is very small, but is pushing on my brain stem already. A surgery in this area would be "brutal" as Dr. Duma said. Luckily for me, I have chosen not to have surgery, and instead to be treated with Gamma Knife. A radiation therapy that uses Gamma Rays to destroy tumors. Mo Fo is going DOWN.

I've had Gamma Knife multiple times, on multiple tumors, and each one has shrunk. The procedure involves having a metal frame, called a halo, literally bolted to your head. No joke, once I woke up too early (remind me to ask for a different anesthesiologist) and saw Dr. Duma standing there with a Black & Decker power drill, which he had just used to drill 4 holes into my skull. While I am not looking forward to the halo, the accompanying headache, or the hours of waiting while awkwardly attempting to rest... it is still a 1 day outpatient procedure. I can handle anything for 1 day!

To add salt to the wound... both my Grandma Norma and Uncle Eric died of NF2, but specifically from brain stem tumors. They are tricky little bastards, known for literally choking people out. The brain stem is ridiculously delicate, which is why we have to radiate now while the tumor is only starting to dent the brain stem, rather than wait until it is fully pressing on it and there is no room for the inevitable swelling. People who have similar tumors and choose traditional surgery usually cite the fact that Gamma Knife can cause swelling around the tumor, but surgery causes swelling too so I am not sure why that would deter them. Either way, every patient has to decide for themselves, and I've decided to have Mo Fo treated with Gamma Knife. Dr. Duma said it needs to be done very quickly, my tumors have a habit of growing fast and if the tumor gets any closer into the brain stem then Gamma Knife will not be an option and I will be facing a horrible life-threatening surgery. Not going to happen.

So tomorrow when I run I am still going to have a smile on my face. Yes, Mo Fo has got to go, but at least I have the best options possible available to me.

Portions

This morning I set out on a run to the gym, with the intent of working out there and then running back. It is a 3 mile trek, which makes a 6 mile round trip. It felt great to be outside, and at each corner I looked to the next in anticipation. Just one more mile, one more stop sign, 1 more bus stop, 1 more building... at each mini goal it felt as if I had finished something, when really I had a lot more to go, as well as the run back. Even once the entire work out was finished, and I was home drinking my protein shake, I realized I still wasn't done. Today's workout was only one of my three scheduled runs this week, and after this week is this month... and well, you get the point! So although breaking my goals into portions makes them seem more feasible, at what point can I say I have truly achieved my purpose ? Is that even possible, or would one goal simply beget another, like another corner to run past?

When Paul and I were dating we wanted to find an apartment that fit our meager income, and for weeks I knew I would finally be happy if we could just get our apartment. When we finally moved in we set our sights higher, and now we always say that when Paul becomes a Journeyman things will be great! I know there will always be something else to yearn for. Another goal, another obstacle, another setback, another corner to turn. Life is just a series of these segments, and at times the entire cycle can seem to stretch out endlessly, even pointlessly. When do I get to be happy? When do I finally arrive? For me, the answer is the path. When I run each step is fun, I don't only enjoy the run when it is finished. Paul may not yet be a Journeyman, but he loves going to work each day and I feel blessed to live the life we do. I may have health problems, but if I didn't it would be something else. I can't sit around waiting to die, when I am alive and well today. I can't waste my time worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. I can't allow the inevitable happenings of life to weigh me down, I'm too busy running forward!

People ask me all the time how I deal with all of the stress in my life, and when I tell them I don't think my life is very stressful I am always met with an incredulous stare. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, a family that loves me, freedom to choose what to do with myself and usually enough resources to support those desires. What else is there to ask for? I take every moment as it comes and make a conscious choice to enjoy it. The day I stop doing that, I may as well die, because that is no way to live. I may not run another marathon, I may not break another PR, but today I ran, and that is enough for me.

JT's First Run!

I banished another lazy day today with a sudden fabulous idea. I was attempting to lace up my running shoes and simultaneously read Perez Hilton when I noticed JT laying around in his pajamas at 11am. I told him to go get his running shoes, we were going for a run. His first run! He hopped right to it and before I knew it we were jogging out of the complex for a 2 mile jog around the block. He took off fast and burned out early as I knew he would, but constant encouragement and cheering kept him moving. I told him if we do this often he can run with me at my next event, and he says he wants to run a marathon! I have no doubt one day he will, and I will eat his dust! I left my watch at home but we made surprisingly good time, and in way under a half hour JT sprinted the last quarter mile to give a strong finish to his first run! Go JT!

We will be running the NF Walk at the CTF Patient Forum next month! Who's in?

Day 3 = 3 LBS?

Day 3 of my Bikini Blitz meant a short tempo run, yoga class at PMAC and an 8mn ab routine. It feels great to be up and moving, ready to conquer the day! At the gym I jumped on the scale and I have already lost 3lbs in 3 days! That is no doubt water weight since I have been chugging water like a mad woman. I'll take what I can get!

Yoga felt great but reminded me that I need to also focus on my posture. I've had 5 or 6 spine surgeries now to have tumors removed all down my spinal cord. Each time they cut through my muscles and remove bone to get into the cord area. I don't have any rods or pins, I just have a general weakness in my entire back which makes it hard to stand straight, and impossible to put my shoulders completely back. In yoga today I realized I was rounding my shoulders forward in almost every position when I have been practicing my yoga alone. It hurts to force the correct posture, but I am going to do it anyway and hope that in the long run it relieves some of my back pain. Its better, and healthier, than popping a pill.

I'm sipping down my protein shake right now but need to get moving, Mica has gymnastics, then it is early day for JT, and we have a playdate then karate! The couch is looking fabulous to me right now but I refuse to give in.

Inspiration of the Day!

Bikini Mentality

Now that I know JT is just fine, and my lumbar tumor has miraculously stopped swelling, its time to take this blog back to its original purpose! I have been walking a fine line with my fitness, throwing in runs only once or twice a week, adding seafood to my previously vegetarian diet, and munching whole boxes of cookies at 9pm while watching tivo. I glanced at my calendar yesterday and realized I have just over 3 weeks until the CTF Patient Forum in Las Vegas!

The header of the event's website is a gorgeous gold with palm trees swaying on the horizon, an obvious reminder to expect gorgeous weather that weekend. Gorgeous weather in Vegas means one thing: Bikinis. Yes, after having 2 kids and countless surgeries I, with every other woman my age, still yearn to rock an itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini! Well, maybe not yellow, ew. Last summer I came so close! I even sported a tankini with minimal anxiety. This is my summer, and I started my plan yesterday.

Several people have asked what my plan is, and I wish I had some magical secret, but the truth is when I want to get fit I just focus on the goal and control myself. I have a handful of rules that work for me:

1. No coffee! It is dehydrating and addictive, makes your teeth yellow, and causes a crash at midday that tends to lead to a carb binge. Get up, splash ice water on your face, and get moving!

2. Hit the gym for cardio, weights, abs, then yoga at least every other day. In between workouts stay busy and on your feet! I try to have my workouts and all chores done by noon, its a great feeling!

3. Drink tons of water, and nothing else. I carry a big refillable sipper bottle with me at all times. The ones with the straws seem to make it the easiest to consume larger amounts.

4. Eat something small every 3 hours. Today I am spreading out: 1 packet of oatmeal with almond milk and flax seed, a rice milk and whey protein smoothie, an activia yogurt, a green smoothie, and whatever I want for dinner, but only a small salad plate worth. (and when I say whatever I want it means: vegetarian, nothing fried, avoid extra sauces and dressings)

5. No food after 7, allow ONE glass of red wine! I'm only human people!

6. No TV or couch time til after 8. Daytime TV is a brain drain anyway. Schedule a lot of social & volunteer activities.

7. Be flexible... we have pizza every Friday and I always order veggie pizza and have it cut into squares to maintain portion control. On donut day Paul always grabs me a blueberry muffin. If I really want something, I have it, but not the whole box. If you don't allow for tiny cheats you wont make it, you will freak out and binge within a week. This is not a diet, it is a mentality and lifestyle. No counting calories, just use common sense!

That's it! Its not so hard, I promise. Once you are used to it it just feels natural. I followed this for a long time and was in great shape, but I fell off the wagon. Well I am climbing back on!

Just keep moving...

I have been allowing myself to bounce between wallowing and denial over the last month. On normal days I sleep in as much as possible and pop the anti inflammatory that masks a bit of the pain. On holidays, or any time my children start to suspect a crack in their Mommy, I suck it up and play house for them. Paul has felt the weight of the situation more than anyone, as I try to sleep at night and am restless from the cramping I toss, turn, and sigh. Paul is the one who reaches over and just strokes my back gently for a moment before falling into a deep sleep, his limp hand warm and heavy.

I finished the medication my doctor suggested, which helped when I took it, but I refuse to take narcotics daily. Instead I have allowed myself a break from anything not absolutely necessary. JT and Mica had their 2 week Winter Break, and we spent the entire time just existing together. Waking groggily late in the morning, eating as we felt like it, and looking up in surprise from the couch when Paul returned home from work. I didn't run, or even think about carbs and crunches.

At some point I knew the holiday would end, and yesterday when the alarm went off at 7:30 I was pretty sure that it had. I had the kids off to school, completed a 6 mile run, and cleaned the house all before noon! I felt invigorated and accomplished, and even though the cramping still plagued me I knew it could not control me. Only what you allow to control you will do so, and I am done being controlled by pain and fear. I have 4 weeks until my next race, the 1/2 marathon at Surf City. I can either cancel and sit in pain and depressed, or push myself and cross that finish line in pain and elated.

*Never Give Up*

Back to Basics

For the last week my blog has sat empty, hiding her face in shame. I just can not rectify quitting the full marathon with myself. At night I toss and turn, unable to see myself finishing a half in my mind's eye, instead I remember the split off point at Long Beach last year where the full marathon runners wearily continued on while us half marathon runners sprinted to our easy finishes. Back then I thought those big-calved people in nike running shorts downing clif shot bloks were absolutely insane, and by the time many of them finished I was at Boston's slamming potato skins and beer. This year is different, I am different, and I have to run the full marathon.

The naysayers started in on me several months ago, and the doubt manifested itself in my sub-conscious, rearing it's ugly head in the depths of my longest runs. Never before had I stumbled to a halt mid-mile with trail left before me, but it seemed like every training run I did I took on the weight of a marathon and forgot to focus on the mileage at hand. How did I allow myself to look away from the horizon? Usually I know what to tell myself to keep running past the breaking point, but my voice was drowned out by my pulse beating ever harder in my head as my mileage climbed higher. No music, no complex issues in my life I need to work out, no time to find a challenging new trail, and a pile of laundry awaiting me at home just made every run feel lethargic... slow motion... even boring. I longed for the last mile as I started the first, and forgot to enjoy everything that happened in the middle.

As I have rested my knee and focused on shorter runs over the last 2 weeks I have realized how much I missed running, and why I set out on this journey to begin with. I can't just give up, I have come too far and worked too hard, I expect more from myself then being a quitter. Come race day I will cross that damn finish line at 26.2 miles. I may have to run and walk intermittently... but my yellow CTF jersey and I will finish!

(and if I ever try to quit again you people have to slap some sense into me!)

Live to Run Another Day

In our family we have a tradition, on your birthday you are the big bad boss. Everyone has to do what you want, and you don't have to lift a finger... for the entire weekend. Last night in a moment of sudden genius I turned to Paul and informed him that for my birthday he would be running a few miles with me. He begrudgingly obliged.

This morning after dropping the kids off, we laced up our running shoes and took off at a steady pace. I felt my pre-birthday wine sloshing in my belly, and the heat beating down my shoulders... but with Paul alongside me I was content. We covered just 2 miles, a perfect first run for Paul, and as we walked back to our place my knee started to swell. As we contorted into yoga positions I kept glancing at my knee, unrecognizable from just an hour earlier.

26 miles is incredibly far, and I will finish a marathon. There is just no way I can run that distance 3 weeks from now. My body is not ready. I have no choice but to drop down to the half marathon, and continue to train for the full marathon at my next race in Las Vegas.

As I type this I want to delete it, I want to put my shoes back on and run 20 miles right this second, proving that I am not a quitter. Everyone who runs a marathon has doubts, but I have to be realistic and recognize the difference between doubts and an injury. If I attempt the full marathon chances are I wont make it the entire way without seriously damaging my knee. I want to live to run another day. I am not quitting, simply granting myself an extension.

I sincerely hope I am not letting any of my supporters down! I will still run the half marathon, and then be prepared to cheer on all those full marathon NF Endurance Team warriors as they cross that finish line. I'll never give up...