We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging...

My momentum has been cruising forward all week. I joined LA Fitness on Tuesday and ran a treadmill 5K in 23:53 the same morning. That night I came back with Valerie and we did Pilates, that class is no joke! Wednesday I went in with Sheila and then Thursday I ran 4 miles before sitting down for a personal fitness assessment. Apparently I need to drop fat and gain muscle if I want to hit my goals, so now I get to learn the correct way to do so. I've been on a fitness high all week, faithfully chugging my protein shakes, eating my fresh produce, and shunning all animal products possible. You may ask if I have a point... I do... I am proud of myself! Just this Monday I teetered on the edge of a downward spiral, but by sheer determination I turned it around, go me!

That is all. Carry on.

No More Hello Kitty Blankets

One day can make all the difference if you give it no other choice. This morning I felt Mica crawl into bed with me, and wrap her tiny arm around my waist. Before I even opened my eyes I knew today would be a good day. The sun would be out, I would feel better, and I was going to the gym come hell or high water. I opened my eyes to find both JT and Mica right in my face, waiting for Mommy-Bot to get up and serve them. Instead I grabbed them and distributed a million kisses evenly among them both before popping out of bed and stretching. I adjusted my neck and felt the stiffness settle in, and when JT asked what was for breakfast my stomach growled warningly at me, but still I kept moving. I made the bed, got dressed, and hustled the kids. All the while the pain in my neck (brain stem!) began to warm up, but instead of giving in to it, I ignored it. Everything in the fridge triggered my nausea, so I just grabbed a protein shake and started chugging. After I deposited my ducklings at school I headed up to LA Fitness for the first time. My Bally's contract just ended and I was in the market for a new gym. An hour later I had signed up and was pounding away on a treadmill, hitting stop just as I reached 3.1 miles in 23:53. I sucked in air and my stomach lurched menacingly, but I just kept moving, down the stairs to the mats, and stretched deeply. When I left the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, and I was right on time to grab Mica from class and get a huge kiss. Afraid to lose my momentum, I came straight home and mopped, cleaned the kitchen, and fed Mica, finally settling down right here and getting work done online. The pain is with me but I renounce it, taking away its power, and ignoring its pleading calls to lay on the couch with my Hello Kitty blanket. I have no time for Hello Kitty blankets, I have a life to live, and what a difference a day, and an attitude, can make.

Spring Cleaning

Earlier this month Paul and I packed our bags, left our kids and dogs in other people's care, and booked a hotel room in Palo Alto so I could go through 3 days of Cyberknife treatments on 3 tumors in my thoracic spine. They looked like 2 on the first scans, but turned out to be 3, all facing each other with my spine in the middle. They had only grown slightly since making an appearance a couple of years ago, but that growth has been steady and measurable, so with Dr. Adler's help I got set up with his team at Stanford and had these suckers zapped. You may remember just last month I had 3 small and 1 long brain tumor all treated with Gamma Knife in Newport Beach, so after this treatment my grand total for Spring Cleaning would be 6 tumors in 2 months. Seriously? All of the treatments were outpatient, and Cyberknife specifically was very easy to go through. I called my treatments my "Radiation Naps." Paul and I even ran the Golden Gate bridge one afternoon after leaving the Cancer Center, and I only had about 3 days of nausea to remind me that anything had happened at all.

Now I am home, and it has been a few weeks. Paul is back to work, I am training for a 5K and the kids are ready for the end of the school year. My hair started falling out last month but as of now seems stable, however my scalp itself has a weird burn over it. It just hurts, and I can't pull my hair up or back, so I have given in and started sporting a loose soccer Mom ponytail. Every time I glance in the mirror I look sloppy, thrown together, and I am reminded of the truth I so studiously avoid, that the inside of my body doesn't look the way it is supposed to. That I am growing things from the inside out, and there is no cure, and if they keep growing they will slowly take over my brain and spine, and if I am lucky I'll have a sudden aneurysm or just go to sleep and never wake up, but most likely I can look forward to several years of being in a nursing home before I go. I get all of that from a sloppy ponytail. What can I say, its a gift.

Now over this weekend the nausea has come back, and I was hoping to loose a few inches of belly fat from it, but of course I am still hungry as always. My pot belly demands carbs even in the face of nausea. The nausea itself doesn't concern me, but then my brain stem started hurting. (You know you have NF2 when you say brain stem instead of neck.) Then my feet started cramping under again, and my head started ringing... louder than it always does. I whined to Paul that everything hurts, and he nodded sympathetically and went back to watching Smallville on tivo. I wondered aloud if MoFo could be swelling, or if maybe it was just the lack of sleep and abundance of junk food I had stolen from the kids' Easter baskets. Paul shrugged noncommittally, but he did gently rub my neck (brain stem!) until I relaxed.

I woke up slowly, and immediately realized the pain and nausea stuck it out through the night, and "I no feel good" as Mica would say. So I am most likely dealing with a bit of post-rad swelling, which could be a good thing because it means the treated area is reacting. I like to picture the tumor screaming a little as it visibly withers and dies. I'm wandering around half-heartedly cleaning my condo and spending too much time online playing Bejeweled, I can't face the world right now, it irritates me too much. I just can't with some people, I watch them and imagine what it would be like to have a normal life to take for granted and throw away as people seem intent on doing. To expect to live another 30 years (at least) and be able to hear and meet people and listen to music, and ride a bike without falling over, and wear a tank top without people asking what the hell is wrong with my back, and not wonder if a picture I just took will be put up at my funeral. What is it like to just live a typical life? To be asked how I'm doing and answer "Great!" without a hint of irony, to go an entire week without saying tumor, to spend a vacation somewhere other then the hospital, to cough without wondering if a tumor is causing it?

The fact is that this is my life, this is what I get, and I am doing the best I can with it. I fight, I run, I push, I write, and sometimes I yell and I cry. I am human and I am flawed. I'm not always a role model, but at my worst I hope to at least inspire people to question their perception of reality, and to remind people that life is complicated, but life is beautiful. We require pain to appreciate joy, and I may struggle but I am alive, loved, safe and blessed to know how amazing that is in a world like ours. The nausea will fade, but I never will.

From Cupcakes to Bikinis

I should say that taking a 2 week break to do nothing but sleep, eat cupcakes and cuddle was a bad idea. In actuality it was genius, and definitely a great use of my time. Tomorrow reality comes crashing back in the form of Monday and I am ill-prepared to say the least. I didn't bother to get the kids back on schedule a couple of nights ahead of time, or to detox them from all the junk they have consumed. I am going to show up at their schools tomorrow and drop them off exhausted and filled with remnants of 2 weeks of cupcake sugar, then me and my pot belly will be escaping to the gym for some punishment. I have only worked out twice this entire time, and haven't even been doing my daily yoga. I look like a puffalump and if one more person asks me if I am pregnant I am going to tell them no I just went to the schmashmortion clinic but thanks for asking.I know all the cool moms are doing Insanity right now, but I am not good at following through with home routines. I have to get out of the house and once I escape you have to drag me back, so I will typically work out for up to 3 hours 3 times a week. I am still learning how to best use

that time, and becoming more efficient as I devour issues of Men's Health. Keep in mind this routine is the foundation, but I constantly change little things to avoid a plateau, keep my muscles guessing, and avoid burn out. Also, remember to always maintain proper posture, keep your belly button drawn close to your spine, and do every move from your core. Here is the current version, and it is rocking for me in a hurts when I sneeze kinda way.

Warm Up: Treadmill 5K in under 25mn

Weights: all supersets = Do every move 10 times, repeat that section 3 times without stopping.

Rest only after all 3 sets of 10 are complete before moving to next station. Please wipe your

sweat off the machine!

A. Medicine Ball sit ups on Bosu Ball

B. Go from laying flat to touching feet while holding pilates band

C. Lay in a pilates V shape and pulse hands near sides 100 times.

A. Chest Press on weight bench

B. Scoot to bottom of weight bench so lower body hangs off and do 10 of each: leg lifts, leg curls, bicycles, scissors, point toes high and flex feet up and down, lower into plank and pulse...

A. Incline Squats

B. Pulse 30 times on squat machine

C. Alternating lunges

A. Set resistance weight machine to a height right above your head, use rope attachment, face machine and holding posture grab rope and slowly lower to upper thighs, and slowly return to start.

B. Pulse 20 times near middle of move.

C. Roman Chair leg lifts, slowly

(how you feeling!?)

A. Free weight bicep curls

B. Tricep dips off edge of bench

C. Stretch upper back with resistance band

Ta Da! Part 2 is done... now...

Cardio! Cross Trainer for 1 hour (I am only up to 45mn) Start out at a comfortable setting (6)and move quickly for 2 minutes, once warmed up increase setting super high (13) and keep moving. You should feel like you are running uphill with bricks on your feet! "Run" for 3 mn, go back to first setting. Repeat this 2mn/3mn pattern for the entire workout. 2 "walk" 3 "run." Make sure you have a towel and water!

Stretch Now move to a mat for some yoga! 5 sun salutes, then stretch legs every way, then

back to sun salute but slowly, stretching deeply in each pose for at least 3 to 5 deep breaths.

When you come to stand up, exhale, lean down to touch your toes, as you slowly roll yourself back up inhale deeply and guide energy through your entire body. As your hands pass your head reach up and out, exhale, releasing all of the strain out to the universe and feel it dissolve. Continue this move as many times as you need to feel really cleansed and finally end in...

Namaste and thank God for the ability to work out like you just did!

Well that is what I do at the gym right now, putting it down motivates me to stick to it, and

maybe one of you will draw some sort of inspiration from it. Either way, if I actually stopped taking cupcake breaks and did this 3x a week for even 3 months I would be ripped! I am tired of

"woulda" and "coulda" so tomorrow it is on like Donkey Kong. I think that freakish heat wave earlier this week was the universe's way of reminding me it is almost summer and time to shed the winter layer! I don't want thinspiration, I want fitspiration!

Cupcake Break!

The lazy days of Spring Break have been a much welcome respite from the rat race of the school year. I've been sleeping in until 11, rolling over to find Mica still in her clothes from the night before passed out with her thumb hanging out of her mouth, and JT flung across my feet with his hawk half smashed down on one side, the puppies going nuts in their crate and my dogs curled up in little balls, not even glancing at any of us. At this point, Paul has been gone for 5 or 6 hours already. We've visited family, stayed up late watching movies, and drank way too much wine. Well I did, not the kids. When the days got long and the kids got bored I pulled out my Nook and we opened up Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. We have been gorging on cupcakes for weeks, and my pot belly is loving it...

First up on Mica's last Thursday of school I volunteered to bring the cupcakes for the "Green

Day Party." The teacher was hesitant because she doesn't allow any sugar, the party menu consisted of various green veggies with

ranch dyed green to dip, green sugar-free jello and some plain

chips. I knew something had to be done to save Green Day! I busted out my Nook and made... wait for it... 4 dozen Vegan & Sugar-Free Green Agave Cupcakes with Mint Chocolate Icing! Oh yes, I went there. I hauled them all in and they were a hit, with everyone but Mica who said they were gross. Then at dinner when

we played "high/low" her low was that "Mommy brought me a cupcake and I thought it was going to be SO good and it wasn't Daddy, it wasn't, and I was like

'

what is this what is this!!!'" Then she shook her head ruefully. Whatever Mica Stinka, everyone else devoured them and a

teacher with a diabetic husband took some home for him. My only mistake was using Mint instead of PEPPERMINT extract. Duh.

These are the only cupcakes we didn't finish, they dried out super fast, but they were unique!

Next were my attempt at self-control... the Sexy Low Fat Vanilla Cupcakes with blackberry

jam, a quick swirl of Chocolate Buttercream Frosting, and drizzle of simple icing and a few dark

chocolate chips for garnish. Mica added (non-vegan) pink heart marshmallows to hers but everything else was animal free, low fat, and delicious!

Most recently Mica and I got back to basics, enough of this low fat sugar free crap, am I right!? We picked up a package of vegan oreo knock offs and made Cookies N Cream cupcakes. They are amazing, modesty is futile, we added crushed cookies to the basic chocolate cupcake batter, and then more crushed cookies to the

basic vanilla

buttercream frosting, along with a tiny bit of almond extract. We piped the frosting

on to the cupcakes in huge, chunky creamy swirls and topped each cupcake

with half a cookie.

Spring Break is only half over, this year JT got 2 weeks and Mica got 1, but I made the executive decision to keep her home for the 2nd week as well. Her teacher agreed, she isn't missing anything but playtime at that school. No matter what happens to me in the coming years I'll always cherish the simple things I do now with my kids, and look back on these lazy cupcake days as some of the best, most fattening and delicious days of my life.

Hair today, gone tomorrow?

A month ago I sat with Dr. Kim at my Gamma Knife consultation with a list of questions. I don't remember any of them now, but I survived so I am pretty sure none of them mattered. I do remember very clearly Dr. Kim saying something, and looking over to Paul as he made a face at Dr. Kim. He shook his head as if to ask why he would say such a thing, and with an odd grin that only people who have sat through oncology appointments could really understand he relayed that I could possibly lose a large patch of hair. I remember my Mom losing chunks of her gorgeous hair after Gamma Knife. The parade of hair products that came along shortly after. Within a year she had given in and cut it all off. In time the bald spots grew fine baby hair, but her full head of hair never recovered. I thought it had something to do with some archaic version of Gamma Knife, but apparently the issue is related to how close to the skull a tumor is, as well as how large the area to be radiated may be. Dr. Kim was telling me that I could possibly lose my hair over the areas to be treated, which happened to be directly on top of my head spanning most of my crown and a large area of the front top. Really? Paul suggested a reverse mohawk, and I slapped his arm, Dr. Kim chuckled and shook our hands as he took his leave.

The following day I had Gamma Knife, and other then the pain it was mostly unremarkable to me. I remember feeling trapped inside my head, but I tend to feel like that a lot since I lost my hearing. The next few days my scalp burned, I had always dealt with the deep pain from the head pins, but this was the first time my scalp reacted. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror staring at my hairline, combing delicately near the treated areas and searching for signs of change. I always lose a lot of hair in the shower, so before washing my hair I reminded myself of that and purposefully ignored the thick strands laced around my fingers as I ran my hands through my hair's length. I towel dried gently and laid off the teasing. Everyday I tried to not look as closely, tried to ignore the continuous burning along my scalp. Finally, this past weekend I parted my bangs to french braid them to the side and as I pinned the braid into place a large white spot of skull stared at me from the area I had parted. I thought I had braided too tightly and quickly undid the braid, loosely redoing it and scruffing up the surrounding hair near the patch. When my hair was completely done I noticed a nickel size spot of hair missing on the other side as well. I ignored it, put on my lipstick, and enjoyed my evening.

Last night I finally let my hair completely down after a lazy day of purposeful avoidance. Most of my hair is the same as it has been since I had babies, very straight and flat with no volume. But now the front is just sparse, when I part my bangs any which way the line between the chunks of hair is just thick and glaring. The remaining hair doesn't seem rooted, each strand stands alone and weakly clings to my damaged scalp. There are 3 tiny, almost dime-size, patches missing. One above each temple, and one in the very front smack in the middle of my forehead. They are not noticeable unless I pull my hair to either side, yet. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

The way I see it I have 2 options. The first is to be incredibly dramatic and go all Rosemary's Baby

on my hair. Part of me is excited by the aspect of such a radical change, a larger part of me hated having short hair and remembers how easy it is to chop it off and how difficult it is to grow it back. Option two is to baby my hair, apply hair regrowth serum, and wear it up a lot until it

starts to fill back in. If any more does fall out then option 1 would really become more of a necessity because regardless of what Paul thinks I am not ready to rock a reverse mohawk.

By the way, I think it is absolutely infuriating that the hair has to fall out right on top because

if my sides were falling out I would already be rocking my new hawk...

Escape

I'm surrounded by people and uncomfortable in a pair of heels I can't really balance in anymore. I try not to lean on Paul too much and comment to someone near us about something random, drawing them into a conversation. They say something, I tell them I am deaf and try to read their lips, but generally they look to Paul and he then explains to me what they said. My smile tends to be unharnessed and my mouth moves a slight beat quicker then my thoughts, so I enthusiastically reply and notice the person has a slightly confused look on their face. I remember to draw my volume from my stomach and not my throat and try to speak clearly, but they smile at me wanly and glance at Paul, waiting for his explanation. He tells them what I am trying to say and then we all stand awkwardly for a moment before they smile and escape.

We stand looking at yet another painting, and the man next to Paul comments to him. The two strike up a conversation and I try not to look as though I want to know what they are saying. I busy myself looking intently at a speck of dust and when I furtively glance at Paul he immediately tries to explain what they were discussing. I don't really understand what he is saying and as Paul tries to fingerspell it and put a 5 minute conversation into a 5 second nutshell his newfound friend excuses himself and escapes.

At some point Paul has to excuse himself to the men's room and I busy myself with my phone, I have no job and my few good friends know where I am so I fiddle around on facebook when I realize someone is standing near me and apparently talking. I look up with a smile and apologize for ignoring them, and explain I am deaf and didn't realize they were talking. They smile awkwardly and apologize for bothering me. I tell them they weren't bothering me at all and please to go ahead with what they were trying to say. They wave their hand dismissively, smile pityingly, and escape.

Paul comes back with a warm smile and his strong arms quickly wrap around my waist as his lips brush my neck and for just a moment I relax. Right then a girl in a fabulous dress appears right next to us, and I insist Paul asks where she found it. He tells her his wife is deaf but would like to know where she found her dress. The girl pauses for a moment to understand and then with a preschool teacher smile turns to me and tells me where she bought it, and then how beautiful I am. She then flashes Paul a sympathetic smile and escapes.

We walk around amusing ourselves, noting the conversations flowing around us, and both admit to being a bit tired at the same time. We escape...