My Mom's 45th Birthday

Summer is here, and my kids are running around like crazy miniature people enjoying the sun. To me summer means running hills in the heat, pool days with my kids, veggie burgers on my side of the grill, and planning for the Long Beach Marathon. This is my 3rd year participating in Long Beach with the NF Endurance Team, and it has become an annual priority for me. In between all of this summer fun, NF2 lurks in the shadows, and I can run as fast as I want but it always follows me. That is why it is so important to raise money for research, so we can develop a drug to help stop tumor growth, and in the long run CURE NF2!

July 22nd would have been my Mom's 45th birthday. Nobody should die so young they miss their 45th birthday. It is unacceptable. For all of the cheering, running, planning and attempts at motivating I can do, the one simple thing that it boils down to is I miss my mom. I miss her, and I don't want to go through the painful things she went through, nor can I fathom JT having to suffer as well. For a long time there was nothing I could do, but I truly am hopeful things are changing with the help of CTF and the dedicated researchers out there making amazing advances. So instead of just waiting for it to happen, I run. I run in hopes of grabbing your attention and encouraging you to support the cause in the one way you can.

On July 25th I will be walking the San Francisco marathon's 5K with my Nana in memory of my Mom's birthday. We will spend every mile remembering her, and missing her. I ask if possible for my friends & family to make a donation in her memory. Below is a link to my donation page, I appreciate any donation you can make and thank you for your continued support on this journey.

http://www.active.com/donate/nflongbeach2010/Olivia

For Mom, In Heaven

What does Heaven mean to each of us? A state of mind, a physical place, an ends to a means, an eternal reward... July 22nd was my Mom's birthday, or would have been, how does that go? When a person dies before their time do they still get a birthday? Only those of us left behind experience the date and internalize it along with the list of other moments never to be lived.


When a loved one passes we placate ourselves with children's tales of Angels watching over us, although the Bible specifically lists Angels as uniquely created individual entities, and tells of a sleep to be had by us all between our final breath and the day of Judgement. No mention of magical dead people capable of hearing prayers as demi-Gods. As a non Christian I am free to create my own platitudes, but bristle at the hypocrisy of denying Christ(ianity) while simultaneously subscribing to random New Age mythology. It is religion I avoid, not God, so how do I rectify my spiritual needs without being guilty of writing my own religion?

Religion is a boundary Mankind relies on to enforce the moral restrictions we place on ourselves while meeting our innate need for an understanding of our existence. God must exist because we have a need for Him. Our relationships with God are as necessary and inborn to us as verbal communication. Verbal reasoning is proof of the existence of speech, as theology is proof of God. Just as there are a multitude of languages, each providing the necessary dialogue within its cultural context, there are a myriad of religions, each independently capable of religious satisfaction.

If each of these religions explains Death in it's own way, how are we to know which is correct, and who are any of we to call any of these incorrect? So if we take the religion out of Death we are left with only God, and in most major religions God has a place of existence beyond the physical realms of Earth. While some may be pantheistic there is still a common consensus among many major beliefs that this place, what I can only call Heaven within the confines of my own American cultural context, is the final resting place for those who have lived a decent life. Even the ultimate destination of reincarnation is to attain a level of wisdom as to escape the mortal coil and be released to another plane of existence, and is governed by the nature of our actions.

So we can justify a belief that only the good survive, in at least a metaphysical form, without sacrificing our spiritual independence or subscribing to a dogma that assaults our common sense.

When I ran those 13 foggy miles in San Francisco on Sunday I had scrawled "For Mom in Heaven" in sharpie on my arm. I can still see the remnants of ink stained skin. As I stepped off the Golden Gate bridge, which I had passed under by boat with my Mom as a child, I mentally whispered Happy Birthday Mommy. While I intellectually am aware that my Mom's soul exists somewhere far away, it warmed me to think that somehow, someway, she knew. Regardless of her place in Heaven, I know without a doubt she exists in my heart. As sappy and self gratifying as that belief may be I hold onto it in all the moments my soul aches for hers. I guess that is what makes me human.


(and yes, I originally spelled Heaven wrong and had to fix it, it was 4am and sharpies don't have spellcheck.)

San Francisco Half Marathon!

I'm back! The last week up in North Cali was a wonderful trip. We were able to spend time with my Gramps and Nana, take the kids on the BART to the Exploratorium, and enjoy the clean air and limitless trails surrounding Moraga. I took a solid 8 mile run on Wednesday on a path that cut through fields and huge trees, I felt like a dog finally let off a leash and leaped through the entire run...

Paul drove up from Santa Barbara Friday, and we spent Saturday at the Health expo and walking around the city a bit. My Gramps owned an elevator repair company in SF for years, and as a child I would spend a week or two each year with him. He would take me with him to work, a perk of being the boss, and let me terrorize his secretaries all day with my constant pleas for attention. SF has it's own vibe, as though it exists on a separate wavelength, and I always enjoy a chance to visit. We headed back across the bay to the NF Endurance Team dinner where we were able to break bread with others who have stood up to fight against NF. We all hugged tightly at the end of the night, unsure of if we would find each other amidst the mass of runners the next morning...

4:30 AM, bright and early Sunday morning, I dragged myself out of bed and growled at Paul a bit before shaking off the remnants of a half-nights sleep and lacing up my trusty running shoes. I pulled my black hair into tight pigtails and smeared sunblock on my makeup-free face. Runners don't need makeup. Ok... maybe just a touch of water-proof mascara!

Paul and my Nana had come to support me and we were able to locate some of the team. I crossed the starting line surrounded by bright yellow CTF singlets! I gave my friend Bob a big hug and dropped into pace with Jill and Elise, who had finished half marathons before in 2:08! I planned to stick with them as long I could and then fall back as necessary, I worried their pace would make me burn out early but wanted to get as far ahead as possible... The course was scenic, passing typical tourist spots and running along the bay leading from the Bay Bridge to the Golden Gate. We got up the first small hill inconsequentially and the Golden Gate drew closer. I kept my eyes trained on the ground right in front of me, always worried my balance will cause me to fall. From mile 4.5 to 5.5 was a steady butt-burning incline, I kept taking 10 step walk breaks and then running to catch up. As we reached the top I choked out... no... more... hills!

We ran to the bridge and stared up at the huge towers looming above us, the ground was slippery with fog and the 1 lane course was crowded with excited runners of all ages. A quick clock check told us the hill had set us a few minutes behind schedule for our planned 2:20 finish. We put some pep in our step, dodging around slower runners and squeezing by on the sides. The bridge didn't have mile markers and we lost track of our distance, feeling as though it was the longest.mile.ever! Looking out over the bridge was like running inside of a cloud. We finally ran the entire bridge, over and back, and headed down for the final segment of the race.

We came up on a mile marker sure it was to say 9 miles, only to find I had already run 10 and was right on pace! Right then I saw Paul on the course cheering for me, I ran straight to him, almost knocking us both over with my momentum, and crushed my lips into his before staggering off to catch up with the girls. Paul snapped away with the camera and raised his fists in solidarity. For the first time I truly experienced a runner's high! I was flying, and felt like I could run forever!

Then in the final 2.5 miles, we came upon about 5 steep San Francisco style hills! All I could think of was the beginning of Full House, how the house is on that hill and you wonder how it doesn't all just slide right off. I hiked the first hill and flew down the other side, but by the second hill my high was long gone, and in its place were weights in my feet. It seemed there was not enough air in the entire city to fill my lungs as I forced myself up each hill, I tried to stop but the girls pushed me on, and after a gruesome 20 minutes Jill said we had finished the hills! I could see the finish line and from somewhere within me drew a reserve of power and ran full speed for the end. It was further away than I thought, but I could not imagine walking in after the distance I had already covered. There was no stopping now... I ran full force and as I stepped over the finish I stumbled to an awkward halt and tears threatened my eyes. I cleared them away and checked my stopwatch... 2:18!! I had finished in 2 hours and 18 minutes! I looked at Elise and told her, I think I died on the course and this is a dream! It was hysterical, I was dizzy and everything seemed surreal. Before I knew it Paul had found me and I was eating a banana and wearing my medal. In the midst of the insanity I forgot to take my official finisher's photo!! I can't believe it! But I think this sums up the extent of my experience...

After I peeled myself off the ground we found Nana and met back up with the team at the Finish Line Festival. We cheered on the full marathon finishers and then Nana took us to Sinbad's for cold Heineken, a fat grilled cheese, and a beautiful view of the bay.

Next stop Long Beach FULL marathon with the Nf Endurance Team as Team Captain! Yeah!!!!

Too Blessed to be Stressed...

I did my last treadmill run today in preparation for the San Francisco half-marathon this Sunday! I am really pumped up, and despite my nagging self doubts I am anxious to attack that course. I just want to come in at or under 2:20. That is slow for most people, but I am running my own race. I did just have Cyberknife a month ago!

On my run today I threw in some hills and strides, then did plenty of stretching and core work after. I held hands with both of my kids and soaked up the warm... okay blistering hot.... sunshine as we left the gym. I love the feel of their tiny hands pressed against my palms.

I have a long day of laundry, cleaning and packing today, but am doing it with a smile, because I know tomorrow we leave for a visit with my Gramps and Diana in North Cali. Paul will join us on Friday, and the trip will culminate with the half marathon which I have dedicated to my Mom as her birthday is this week.

I feel blessed and grateful, which may make for a boring blog, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything today.

Gramps and his BFF Dave on a recent "fishing" trip!

Mixology

I stepped out of my warm cozy condo into the crisp air this morning and jogged my way to the front of the complex. My legs felt heavy, but I pushed forward, playing out my mile splits in my head. Running towards the mountains and focusing on hill training kept my mind absorbed until I hit the running trail and had a 4 mile flat segment to cover. My thoughts kept bouncing around, finally landing on an old song that sounds slightly off tune in my head. After having been deaf for 6 years, I am stuck replaying the same mix tape to myself repeatedly. Like a summer hit that makes you change the station by Christmas, but there is nothing else to hear. Alanis, Aaliyah, Britney... The Doors, Joplin, Creedence... my old favorites are on constant rotation. The trail seemed to stretch before me for an eternity, droplets of sweat beaded along my hair as my breath quickened. Running can just be so boring without any external entertainment! So as I passed Archibald and felt my muscles warm up, I cleared my throat and started singing out loud. My pace matched the beat as I belted out Gloria by the Doors in my best warbled Jim Morrison impression. Suddenly a smile caught my lips and the path began to pass by more quickly. I repressed the urge to stop and do a dork dance as I belted out Waterfalls by TLC and rapped Left Eye's part with a bounce in my step. As I waited for traffic to pass at a light I started into a heartwrenching performance of You Oughta Know, only slightly lowering my volume when passed by a few kids on bikes. The final steep descent to the top of Day Creek inspired a bit of I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly, and as I pounded my way to the top I was finally silenced. I looked out over the little city I have lived in all my life, and absorbed the sense of accomplishment for a minute before heading back downhill, humming We Are the Champions without a shred of irony...