Reckoning

I have been languishing in a state of survival while taking the chemotherapy Votrient for the past year. My most recent MRI report contained a word I have a love-hate relationship with: Stable.

Have you ever woken up and decided to be someone else?

Last year I woke up and I was not a runner anymore.
I didn't have long hair anymore.
I couldn't allow my children to go to public school anymore.
I refused to do math while trying to eat anymore.
I refused to hate myself for being born broken anymore...

Anymore...

I changed, maybe for the best... maybe not.
Then I came here, to my blog, where I used to see a blank page as a personal challenge, and I stared at the title and thought, "How can I continue to be the Fabulous Running Mommy if I do not run anymore?

Anymore...

Yet, here I am...

I go to Crossfit almost every day and leave covered in sweat with a smile.
I chopped my last remnants of hair, dyed it blue, and dared the world to argue.
I gave up spending my mornings in pajamas and brought my children home to educate them the way I see fit.
I grew tired of my mind always being slowed down by disease, and started reading novels worthy of my time again.
I found that I have value beyond simply existing.

I have known that at some point I would need to rectify my past and current states of being. That is where I am now.

For now...

I am taking a break from the pile of pills I was swallowing every morning.
My mind is clear, the future seems promising, and I am learning what it feels like to believe I am not dying more then living.

I continue to run.
I run my life, I run my home, I run forward... but never in circles.
I would say I am back... but I never left.