Friday, January 23, 2009
JT checked into St. Joseph's yesterday around 8am, then went through a barage of paperwork and questions. He was so brave, teasing the nurses and pretending to be asleep! Finally at 10am I carried him back to the MRI room, where the anesthesiologist gave him gas and he drifted off to sleep. His little eyebrows were pursed with worry, and I masked my own fear as the nurse ushered me from the room. An hour later I sat in recovery holding him as he twitched and fought his way back from the imposed darkness. In years past this was the worst moment, he would wake in confusion and completely hysterical as we held him down. This year after about a half an hour of rocking his tiny limp body he gradually lifted his head up and peeked out at me, and with a sideways little smile he let me know he was awake! At first he was wobbly, and didn't understand why he couldn't walk. So Tish and I loaded him and hospital monkey in a huge wheelchair and wheeled him over to the Cancer Center for his neurological exam. At some point the last of the anesthesia cleared and he happily informed us he could walk and discarded the wheelchair. Dr. Loudon's PA spent at least a half an hour with JT, examining him thoroughly and even playing Guitar Hero on JT's DS! The exam was completely unremarkable, JT's vision in his bad eye has even improved a bit. Other than that ongoing issue JT is completely healthy, and will be seen again next year. Next month his speech, hearing, and vision will be re-evaluated, but these tests are mostly for progressive purposes.
JT is at school running and playing with the other children, no one doubts he is the same, and I only hope he can hold on to that illusion a bit longer.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
I have to share the easiest and yummiest vegetarian pizza recipe ever!
1 pkg of whole wheat Trader Joe's Pizza dough or make your own like I usually do
1/2 jar of Ragu or mix tomato sauce, tomato paste and fresh herbs of your choice. If you choose to make your own, steam and puree veggies and hide them in the sauce!
Shredded cheddar cheese vegan optional
Lots of fresh veggie toppings I use red bell pepper and zucchini
Spray a cookie sheet or pizza pan with non-stick cooking spray. Roll dough out to edges and top with all ingredients. Bake at 400 for about 10-15 minutes!
Serve with sweet potato fries! Just slice into rounds, toss with olive oil, pepper, and sea salt. Bake at 400 on a tray sprayed with cooking spray until soft and edges start to brown, about 30 mn. Just stick them in first while you assemble the pizza then add the pizza and both will be done at the same time!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Yesterday I went for a much needed run while Mica was in playschool. It was just warm enough to be hot once I started, and the glare of the sun forced my eyes to squint down at the ground as I pushed forward, trying to leave all of the questions and fears far behind me. Redhill runs on a loop, so no matter how fast I ran that 9 minute mile, I still ended up in the same spot. After 3 miles of what seemed like pointless circling, chanting my mantra in my mind, "Pain is temporary," I was right back to where I started. What I had accomplished was still within me but I had not traveled any actual distance.
Update on Paul's courtdate, he showed up and they informed him his arraignment has been pushed back until March 2nd, this is the second postponement since he was originally released. He has still not been assigned a public defender, and I do not understand why the DA gets months to build his case against Paul while he has no one to do the same on his behalf. All of the anticipation and worrying, but nothing has changed.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Today, 3 months, a lot of fighting and tears later, is Paul's arraignment. The charge has been dropped down to Assault with Intent to Great Bodily Harm. He left early this morning without a kiss goodbye, all that will happen is he will appear before the judge and say Not Guilty. He will meet his public defender, and hopefully his PD is able to get the case thrown out. I really don't even understand why they are pressing charges. In my mind's eye all I can see is the DA pressing forward with the charges, and the judge sentencing my best friend to 2 years in prison. The other man in the fight told the police he initiated the confrontation, and did not want to press charges. So many good men get in bar fights, I have several memories of my own Dad with a black eye and a secret smile behind my Mom's back. As long as everyone keeps it clean, I honestly think people involved in a simple bar fight should get a ticket for a misdemeanor. Instead Paul is facing actual jail time, and if that really happens I cannot begin to imagine what that will do to our family. I am praying they put him on house arrest, if only so that I can make fun of his ankle bracelet. Paul seems completely detached from the situation and does not act worried at all. He is convinced he will be offered a deal, and will be able to negotiate so that he does not spend a single day in jail. I don't understand how he can sleep so deeply and chuckle so ruefully at my frightened tears. The fines and court fees alone could crush us.
It is so confusing being horrified at the idea of Paul being taken from me, and so ridiculously angry at the same time. It's not possible to maintain that level of emotion for 3 months, so somehow we have found a balance, and are living each day as normally as possible. Paul completely unaffected, while I walk around feeling like an anvil is about to crash into my world. I can only hope Paul comes home in a few hours and says the charges were dropped, but if not, we have a long and complicated road ahead of us.
Friday, January 9, 2009
That's Darci and I at MNO at melting Pot! Aw I like that pic, Darci is cool beans.
Yesterday I spent the day with my BFF Miena, Miena is super gorgeous and the nicest person I know... seriously.
Anyway she was telling me about some books she was reading, all about boundaries in relationships, especially in a marriage. I tried to imagine establishing boundaries with Paul and could see him laughing at me. Paul and I are way closer than any 2 people in love should be, and I'm not sure it's a good thing for our marriage actually. We see every part of each other, and discuss every thought, there are no secrets, even from our pasts. We've been best friends since I was 15, so in all of the hard times I went through, Paul was witness to my worst behaviors. The benefit of this is that I know Paul loves me for who I am, not for a person I have concocted to manipulate him into thinking I have always been such a positive person. I have seen Paul do his dirt as well, so there was no disillusionment on the day we vowed to be together in life and death. However, my Mom always said people treat the ones they love the most, the worst. Meaning Paul and I will say horrible, nasty, and unecessary things to each other over the most ridiculous arguments. When it happens my entire being goes into turmoil, hot tears sting my eyes, my chest constricts, my hands clench and I just want to scream and push it all away. As we hurl insults into each others faces all I want is for him to grab me fiercely and sooth my soul with loving words. I want him to love me like Edward loves Bella, paralyzed with fear at the idea of causing my tears to spill. I once told him this, and as the words escaped me I crumpled into a ball on the couch, crying hysterically at the idea of opening my eyes to my reality. Somehow, Paul recognized my breaking point, and came to me, and held me tightly, looked deep into my eyes and said, "It's just a book." Which to him made complete and total sense, and I could see myself in the reflection of his liquid honey eyes, not just my smeared mascara but the ridiculousness of my demand, and I only cried harder, because I really and truly want Paul to love me to that extent. That is the root of every dramatically infused battle we have ever fought, I know I love Paul so much that I would act stupid over him. I am stupid over him, only for him. No man in my adult life has had the ability to reduce me to a silly little girl, crying over a young-adult vampire novel with cheap mascara staining my skin. I don't have any leverage in our day to day disagreements, never would he act the fool over me, and maybe that is all I want is to see that I am his weak spot. I want to know that he sees me as worthy of anything but anger, I want to see pain and know he hurts the way that I hurt when our marriage struggles. Instead I see only strength and pride, and am oddly jealous of his ability to maintain that facade. One day I hope Paul and I find our balance, and learn how to interact without controlling each other, otherwise I'm going to need some water-proof mascara...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Not that California is any better. A few months ago I saw a tiny baby out at Yardhouse at 10pm on a Saturday. Seriously people, all you are telling us is you are too broke to afford a sitter, and inconsiderate enough to crash everyone else's night. I didn't spend an hour trying to make myself look 20 again to be stifled by your child's presence. Maybe you could try something child-friendly, like HOME. Why have children if you are not willing to sacrifice the odd weekend party? I have stayed home on many a Saturday night playing with my children, and have immensely enjoyed it. Just to make it clear... if people are taking body shots and girls are stumbling out of the bathroom, take your underage leg clinger and go home!