Friday, January 16, 2009


Cleaning, fighting, worrying, cooking, laughing, running, reading, sleeping... It seems I do the same things repeatedly. I'm happy with where I am in life, I think monotony is a symptom of monogomy, and I longed for this type of structure for so many years before finding Paul. Now for the first time in so long I am questioning decisions I have made, and personal truths which have turned out to be lies. This is what they mean when they say people grow in a marriage, and have to find ways to grow together rather than apart. I have no doubts about Paul at all, I know we will work this through, we have gotten through much worse together and will continue to for the rest of our lives. In the meantime I am left to hash out my issues without splashing them allover my family.

Yesterday I went for a much needed run while Mica was in playschool. It was just warm enough to be hot once I started, and the glare of the sun forced my eyes to squint down at the ground as I pushed forward, trying to leave all of the questions and fears far behind me. Redhill runs on a loop, so no matter how fast I ran that 9 minute mile, I still ended up in the same spot. After 3 miles of what seemed like pointless circling, chanting my mantra in my mind, "Pain is temporary," I was right back to where I started. What I had accomplished was still within me but I had not traveled any actual distance.

Update on Paul's courtdate, he showed up and they informed him his arraignment has been pushed back until March 2nd, this is the second postponement since he was originally released. He has still not been assigned a public defender, and I do not understand why the DA gets months to build his case against Paul while he has no one to do the same on his behalf. All of the anticipation and worrying, but nothing has changed.

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