That's Darci and I at MNO at melting Pot! Aw I like that pic, Darci is cool beans.Yesterday I spent the day with my BFF Miena, Miena is super gorgeous and the nicest person I know... seriously.
Anyway she was telling me about some books she was reading, all about boundaries in relationships, especially in a marriage. I tried to imagine establishing boundaries with Paul and could see him laughing at me. Paul and I are way closer than any 2 people in love should be, and I'm not sure it's a good thing for our marriage actually. We see every part of each other, and discuss every thought, there are no secrets, even from our pasts. We've been best friends since I was 15, so in all of the hard times I went through, Paul was witness to my worst behaviors. The benefit of this is that I know Paul loves me for who I am, not for a person I have concocted to manipulate him into thinking I have always been such a positive person. I have seen Paul do his dirt as well, so there was no disillusionment on the day we vowed to be together in life and death. However, my Mom always said people treat the ones they love the most, the worst. Meaning Paul and I will say horrible, nasty, and unecessary things to each other over the most ridiculous arguments. When it happens my entire being goes into turmoil, hot tears sting my eyes, my chest constricts, my hands clench and I just want to scream and push it all away. As we hurl insults into each others faces all I want is for him to grab me fiercely and sooth my soul with loving words. I want him to love me like Edward loves Bella, paralyzed with fear at the idea of causing my tears to spill. I once told him this, and as the words escaped me I crumpled into a ball on the couch, crying hysterically at the idea of opening my eyes to my reality. Somehow, Paul recognized my breaking point, and came to me, and held me tightly, looked deep into my eyes and said, "It's just a book." Which to him made complete and total sense, and I could see myself in the reflection of his liquid honey eyes, not just my smeared mascara but the ridiculousness of my demand, and I only cried harder, because I really and truly want Paul to love me to that extent. That is the root of every dramatically infused battle we have ever fought, I know I love Paul so much that I would act stupid over him. I am stupid over him, only for him. No man in my adult life has had the ability to reduce me to a silly little girl, crying over a young-adult vampire novel with cheap mascara staining my skin. I don't have any leverage in our day to day disagreements, never would he act the fool over me, and maybe that is all I want is to see that I am his weak spot. I want to know that he sees me as worthy of anything but anger, I want to see pain and know he hurts the way that I hurt when our marriage struggles. Instead I see only strength and pride, and am oddly jealous of his ability to maintain that facade. One day I hope Paul and I find our balance, and learn how to interact without controlling each other, otherwise I'm going to need some water-proof mascara...
1 comment:
I want to be loved by Edward too girl. I long to be Bella like every other hour of the day...now that I'm readind this addicting book! Paul loves you....get over it.....we all see it! lol
No serious, I understand and know how you feel. It will get better! You just have to work on his weakness and one day it will show through.
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