Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Just keep moving...

I have been allowing myself to bounce between wallowing and denial over the last month. On normal days I sleep in as much as possible and pop the anti inflammatory that masks a bit of the pain. On holidays, or any time my children start to suspect a crack in their Mommy, I suck it up and play house for them. Paul has felt the weight of the situation more than anyone, as I try to sleep at night and am restless from the cramping I toss, turn, and sigh. Paul is the one who reaches over and just strokes my back gently for a moment before falling into a deep sleep, his limp hand warm and heavy.

I finished the medication my doctor suggested, which helped when I took it, but I refuse to take narcotics daily. Instead I have allowed myself a break from anything not absolutely necessary. JT and Mica had their 2 week Winter Break, and we spent the entire time just existing together. Waking groggily late in the morning, eating as we felt like it, and looking up in surprise from the couch when Paul returned home from work. I didn't run, or even think about carbs and crunches.

At some point I knew the holiday would end, and yesterday when the alarm went off at 7:30 I was pretty sure that it had. I had the kids off to school, completed a 6 mile run, and cleaned the house all before noon! I felt invigorated and accomplished, and even though the cramping still plagued me I knew it could not control me. Only what you allow to control you will do so, and I am done being controlled by pain and fear. I have 4 weeks until my next race, the 1/2 marathon at Surf City. I can either cancel and sit in pain and depressed, or push myself and cross that finish line in pain and elated.

*Never Give Up*

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