I am tired of my life being interrupted. Every time I convince myself I am normal I get a slap in the face from another tumor, taunting me with a list of things I wish I could do. I wish I could sit and talk to Mica, and teach her to read. I wish I could hear JT play guitar. I wish I could hear Paul tell me he loves me. I wish I could hang out in a group and get all the inside jokes. I wish I could walk without people thinking I'm drunk. I wish I could sit through Taekwondo without feeling like I'm on fire and having my legs fall asleep. I wish I could run forever and leave the pain behind me. I wish I could picture myself getting old with Paul. I wish I could snap out of this funk and stop being such a whiner, whining is really unattractive.
So there it is, and here I am. I can choose to wallow, or choose to leave it here in writing and let it go. Well I choose to wallow! No, I'm kidding, the day I lose my ability to look at the bright side is that day I know I have nothing left. Instead, I choose to let it go and do my best for the rest of the day. I choose to just keep pushing back, to stop wishing and start accepting, to live each day remembering that it is a gift in itself, to find joy in the smallest moments and sleep deeply knowing I am loved by my family, friends and Goddess. Whether I am complaining or smiling, the pain is still there. I may as well be in pain with a huge smile on my face.