Whiner

Sometimes my body fails me, no matter how hard my mind pushes. Every run since my last has been consistently worse. I finally realized something is going on with my health, and have come to blame the thoracic chickens. I can feel them pressing into my spine, stunting my breathing and pushing my posture off even more than usual. On Wednesday I left my house with the intent of running 10 miles, and at mile 1 I was hobbling along gasping for air as my sides cramped in around me. 2 weeks ago I ran 10 miles in 94 minutes and was disappointed with that time, now I would kill to be able to run like that at Surf City. I am doing the usual, I took a day to rest, did some yoga, emailed my neurologist and called my GP. BLAH BLAH BLAH. My neurologist wants me to have an EKG and chest x-ray to rule out simple causes for my shortness of breath and cramping. I would agree, except that we already know I have 2 large growing tumors right there on my spine in the exact place that would cause this. Just prescribe me some steroids, let me deal with the 'roid rage, schedule me for Cyber Knife, and lets get this over with!

I am tired of my life being interrupted. Every time I convince myself I am normal I get a slap in the face from another tumor, taunting me with a list of things I wish I could do. I wish I could sit and talk to Mica, and teach her to read. I wish I could hear JT play guitar. I wish I could hear Paul tell me he loves me. I wish I could hang out in a group and get all the inside jokes. I wish I could walk without people thinking I'm drunk. I wish I could sit through Taekwondo without feeling like I'm on fire and having my legs fall asleep. I wish I could run forever and leave the pain behind me. I wish I could picture myself getting old with Paul. I wish I could snap out of this funk and stop being such a whiner, whining is really unattractive.

So there it is, and here I am. I can choose to wallow, or choose to leave it here in writing and let it go. Well I choose to wallow! No, I'm kidding, the day I lose my ability to look at the bright side is that day I know I have nothing left. Instead, I choose to let it go and do my best for the rest of the day. I choose to just keep pushing back, to stop wishing and start accepting, to live each day remembering that it is a gift in itself, to find joy in the smallest moments and sleep deeply knowing I am loved by my family, friends and Goddess. Whether I am complaining or smiling, the pain is still there. I may as well be in pain with a huge smile on my face.