Mom

Complicated is the first word that comes to mind as I sit with the intent of describing my Mother. Her life, her health, our relationship, all complicated. She married my Dad at 16 and had me at 17. By her 20’s she was deaf, in her 30’s she was paralyzed and bedridden, and 4 months before her 40th birthday she passed away in a torrent of pain. She married so young, was incredibly naïve and fiercely intelligent at the same time. She taught me young that pain is beauty, and she was absolutely gorgeous. I remember sitting and just watching in amazement as she delicately applied her makeup and feathered her brunette hair every morning. We looked nothing alike, and had nothing much in common besides sharing a horrible disease. She was the quintessential perfect Mother my entire early childhood, until one day a migraine caused it all to come crashing down. That one migraine was the beginning of years of horrible, blinding, crushing daily migraines. Her health was in no one’s control and the issue quickly suffocated our once amazingly close-knit tiny family. I became care-giver, handling insurance companies, rude nurses, mixed up prescriptions all by age 13. At the same time I was still a child, and had to follow rules. We constantly battled, I felt entitled to the perks of an adult being that I was expected to be the adult so much of the time. It was a difficult situation for everyone involved, in the end my parents divorced, I left the house, and our American Dream was shattered.

I continued to care for my Mom since she was now completely alone. (Her father, my Gramps, was my closest ally in the battle, but lives in the Bay Area) She ended up in a nursing home, unable to walk, her face paralyzed and unable to eat normally, her back crippled into a painful hunch from countless massive surgeries opening her spine. Her once thick lustrous feathered hair was now short and boyish, simple for the nurses to care for. At age 20 I spent my entire pregnancy knitting on the floor of the ICU after a particularly bad surgery took most of her functions away from her. The nurses knew me all too well after dragging me kicking and screaming from her bed as she convulsed in seizures, and finding me sleeping in a ball outside the ICU locked doors.

After months of rehabilitation she was finally released to the nursing home, and I was finally blessed with my son. For years I had feared becoming my Mother, but when I had my son all I wanted to be like was my Mother. Suddenly she was the one with the best advice, and as I gazed at my own newborn I finally understood why she fought me so hard. We were connected, not just by NF2, but by an incredible love that engulfed us and made us blind to the hurt we had inflicted upon each other. At last we were at peace, but a new battle had started within my Mom. The tumors in her body were growing so quickly there was no need for tests or surgeries any longer, all that was left to do was wait. On Saint Patrick’s Day after a simple procedure she developed sepsis, by the time we arrived she was already in a coma. After 15 damn years of sitting by her side, I had missed her final moments. She fought hard in that final day, tied down, intermittently fluttering her eyes, I knew she wanted to stay, but there was nothing left to fight for. Her body and her mind, had all failed her incredible soul. In the final hour I held her hand, unable to even comfort her since she was unable to hear, I just squeezed her soft hands, remembering the long crazy acrylic nails she loved to have for so many years. Suddenly, she was gone. All the years of waiting suddenly felt like they were not enough, I walked outside and just wailed. How was I to live my life without her? The only one who ever knew me, the only one who was me?

Sunshine seems lost

Will you see it shine again this summer?

Warm heat on my bare shoulders as I walk this path alone

Inside a clear glass tunnelI can still see the birds flying above

Can’t hear their song

Run toward the end

Find my feet at the beginning

We both run from that same shadow creeping

Round the corner so slow

Now comes the moonlight of your time

I still walk where the sun shines

So why do I feel the coldness of the night

Always I see your footprints on the road ahead of me

Try to pass them but can’t seem to just let them be

They are a part of me

But even if I walk away we will see each other another day

Out in the bright sunshine

Until then remember you are mine

Our footprints will step together even once yours have faded

I will keep you in my heart

Won’t let the memories of time be jaded

I was there I know who you are

You should have been a super star

But here we are