MRI Dreams

It's 8 am and I just woke up, have been asleep since 4 pm yesterday. My online mommy friends comment how lucky I am and I murmur a smile as the grogginess fogs my thoughts. My body feels slow, like a grape falling through not quite set jello. I forced myself to run yesterday, and my feet carried me across hot pavement until I doubled over the bright green spring grass, wretching the last bit of home made pumpkin bread unsettled by my awkward gait. I took a swish of water and kept going, forcing my eyes to ignore the hot burning rays of sun creating criss cross patterns on the sidewalk between the shadows of leaves. I ran straight to the gym and went through all the usual motions and repetitions, 3 sets of 12 on every machine I have figured out, yoga, more sit ups, and finished just as Paul pulled up in the van. I plopped down inside, sweaty, out of breath, and nodded off on the 3 mile drive that felt so far just an hour ago. Just a quick shower later and I found myself in the MRI room. Has it been 6 months already, or have the last 6 been a dream and I have never left to begin with? 2 muscle relaxers later that MRI bed is like a womb, I floated in and out of consciousness until finally I emerged and walked back out into the harsh light, again into the van and whisked away home. Did I ever leave the van or was the MRI a dream? I tried to humor the kids, asking questions about their day, only to find myself sent to bed and falling into a deep sleep. I woke suddenly and it was pitch black, it couldn't possibly be 2am? I tossed and turned the remainder of the night, finally rising as the sun creeped through my blinds and tossed slivers of warmth across my pillow. How can I be so tired when I have been dreaming since 12pm yesterday? Now I have to go act as if I am fully present and get through another day, Mica smiles will help, and JT hugs when I get him from school. MRI results later this week, and then I can pretend to be whole for an entire 6 months...