Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I'm not afraid of my own fears...

Some days everything slows down, and I’m covered in chubby baby hugs, inhaling the sweetness of their breath as I thank God for being blessed with my children. NF2 is a genetic disease, meaning that when I chose to have children I knew full well there was a 50% chance that my children would also have the disease. My son JT does, and my daughter Mica does not (Blessed be!) It was a difficult and personal decision, but I will say I believe life is for the living, and I refuse to live as the walking dead. We all take chances each day, and tomorrow is promised to not one of us. My children are blessed with two parents and a huge extended family that cherish and adore them. They will never want for anything, they will be loved and safe their entire lives. We will undoubtedly face days of illness and pain, but we will face them together, as a family. While I am full of hope, I am always realistic, and know I may one day be preemptively taken from my children as my Mother was from me. My heart aches at the thought of not being a part of their adult lives. I live in a state of perpetual fear that a Stepmom will help choose Mica’s wedding dress, as my amazing Stepmom helped choose mine. Again, I will be my Mother. I will wear the brave smile and tell my kids not to think of me, to move on as I will in the next life. Yes, it throbs deeper then a young broken heart, it eats at my soul with the harsh brightness of the Truth. My kids may not even remember these stolen sticky kisses, running in the rain, cuddling in the early mornings. These memories are the components of my soul, the fibers of the love in my heart. No one can take them and they make anything that may come worth every painful moment. What is now will always be, and what we have will survive as long as we have Hope. Always hope…


6 comments:

Cindy said...

you write with such feeling olivia. Should consider that BA in mass communications, journalism or something that lets you use your gift of writing. great pic too, unposed, natural beauty, the best kind.

Jennifer Bruno Conde said...

Wow, what insight you have into life, Olivia. I love your attitude. Thank you for sharing your story.

ironm9997 said...

I'm not only proud of your outlook, but also in the way you're able to share feelings with others. Perhaps your inspirational words will help your fellow-man....and THAT is always a good thing.

Dadd

Sheila said...

OLIVIA I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how painful that is to think about not being around for you children. I have had thoughts about this and it literally breaks my heart. But I know it is no where near the heart break you are feeling! Your kids WILL remember you!! You are too special and too unforgettable for them not to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Olivia,
I've never blogged before. I came upon your blog when I googled "afraid of not being with my kids". Some days, like today, this fear is overwhelming and leaves me in tears; and there is nothing wrong with me-no debilitating disease or disability of any kind. So it is with great humility that I ask, how do you deal with this fear?

Olivia Hernandez said...

I just take it one day at a time... sometimes I am overwhelmed by the simplest part of a random day, but what is now will always be, it's so true. With memories time does not have to exist...

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