Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I'm trying to be patient, really I am, but it has been over a week since my MRIs and still no word. No growth? Emergency situation? Could be anything. I've been on the propolis for a year, and if I have had no tumor growth during that time I will be ecstatic. If I have had growth I am not sure what to do. I will face that if I ever have to.

Last night I lay in bed trying to sleep, thanking the Goddess for all my blessings. I am truly blessed, I love my family and my life. Out of nowhere it occured to me JT will be 6 next month. When both my Mom and I were about age 9 we each developed a tumor in our T spine. In only 3 years I may have to face the idea of JT having a tumor? Inconceivable. Completely unacceptable. My heart is breaking and my mind feels fuzzy. Just the idea, I shudder. My mind's eye traces a scar down his perfect back, marring the smooth tan skin between his shoulders. I see him still and in pain, crying. I can't let it happen. Did my own parents feel this? I am sure they did, and this is exactly why no one wanted me to have children. I was warned, the pain, the fear, the terror involved with helplessly watching your own child be put through things grown men would run from... Now here I am for myself, and it has not even happened yet and I am already breaking to pieces inside just contemplating the possibilities.

They were all still wrong, I would never ever have traded this for not having JT. He saved my life, he gave me life as surely as I did him. Before him nothing mattered, everything was disconnected, I was only visiting here in this life and would have burned out like a lightbulb, dead inside with the world carrying on around it. Then JT came to be and suddenly, I breathed for the first time. He's my original partner in crime, my love bug, my baby boy. If he has to go through this, I'll carry him through it as much as I can. I just pray, with everything in me, that somehow, someway, the researchers make some sort of amazing breakthrough and my son will never ever know the violation of being cut open on an operaring table. So again, we'll face it if we have to, together.


Minxy Mimi said...

Awww, you made me teary. I recently thought I "lost" my son (could not find him) and I felt such fear and anguish... I know how hard it is to feel so much for our little ones. I can only imagine how terrifying it is to worry so much about something like surgery. ((Hugs))

Cindy said...

no kids of own (that's a whole topic itself) but can truly understand your fear. It look at my 13 yr old neice, perfect in every way as much as a 13 year old canbe. for life of me cannot fathom her being cut open, 7 times, nerves ravaged and loss and after loss. She doesn't have nf2 thank God but I had 1st surgery at 13 and don't remember anyone being devastated by it but me. A wrong perception on my part probably. G luck on mri's and to JT's unblemished future.

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