Wednesday, May 20, 2009
With my husband working out of town I find myself alone for long stretches of time. During the day the kids and training keep me busy, after we all spill back into the condo and follow the usual routine, minus the part where Paul walks in and we all jump on him. I'm getting some real quality time with the kids playing Life after dinner at the table, Paul's empty chair the pink elephant in the room. At 8 my babies are tucked in tight and I face my empty living room or cold bed, unsure of what to do with myself. I try to text Paul, and get back a few flimsy messages, I give up and let him be. I stare at Facebook for a while, realizing I just don't care. I think of all the things I could be working on, fundraising, brainstorming... and settle for some Tivo time instead. At the funny parts I awkwardly laugh, feeling like I am talking to myself, and finally give up and drag myself to bed. I'm still afraid of the dark after all these years, and as each room is darkened behind me my pace quickens until I leap into our bed. I worry my deafness will cause me to sleep through the worst of emergencies. Shadows dance in our hallway, and I miss the curve of Paul's shoulders breaking my moonlight view of the creepy closet. I hug my pillow tight and sleep, what else would there be to do? Fitful, restless sleep, waking with a start only to drift back off. I wake up around 2 to find both my babies have crawled into bed with me, and along with the dog we make a warm little pile of happiness. I finally sleep a dreamless sleep.