Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Lacking the Ability to Over-Hear

I'm always on the outside looking in. Even at home I see the banal remarks thrown around between Paul and the kids that I am always excluded from. If I ask what was said people tell me it was unimportant. One of the biggest challenges to losing my hearing is lacking the ability to overhear. In direct conversation I can usually figure out what is being said, its all the time that spans in between that leave me feeling disconnected from the world. Maybe that's why I have taken to running, and have found peace in my long meditative Sunday runs. There is nothing to hear or overhear when you run. In the start of a run my mind is bouncing around with random thoughts, by deeper into the run my thoughts have settled into a creative rythm, and I finish the run with a sense of renewal.

I could have opted to have tried for an ABI when I had one of my VS treated before, before I lost the rest of my hearing. I just don't really know any people who have succeeded with an ABI at a level that warrants going through the invasive procedure. I would rather wait, and trust that one day the ABI will be improved and I will be able to hear in some form again. In the meantime I have to learn to accept long boring dinners where everyone's mouths move silently as their eyes avert from me, in rightful shame for completely excluding me. I have to learn to accept the voices my subconscious has created for my kids, and just hope that one day I hear them laugh for myself. Always hope...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This made me cry! I love you and don't want to feel sorry for you, but sometimes I do. Your lack of hearing is a blessing and also the worst thing imaginable. I couldn't go a day not knowing what Chase sounds like. That would crush me! I will tell you that Mica's voice is cute, sweet and a little high. She has a perfect little girl tone. I love ya girl!

Sheila said...

Yes girl, you really put into perspective all the little things we take for granted!! My heart really aches for you on those two things! I think that people just dont know what to do, since they cant sign back to you, to communicate. Not that, thats an excuse at all! But I know when I tell people I can sign and work as an Interpreter, they always say WOW that is so cool, I wish I could sign so I could communicate with Deaf people. So we just need to work at teaching everyone sign! LOL

But seriously girl! You know I LOVE you and would DO ANYTHING for you!! I NEVER EVER mind interpreting for you! So if I havent just started doing it, just ask me!! I am there for you in a heart beat!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!

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